Thank you shootingstar and Maylie for you thoughtful replies.
"As hard as it is, especially with a child, even a grown child, it may be time to think about letting go of being involved in her issues, her responses - not feeling obligated to either reprimand or defend her. She is an adult, and this is hers to solve. It may be more powerful for her to go through this without filtering her choices through what you think of what she's chosen. It is possible that that reinforces some dependence in her behavior."
What great insight. I do think the biggest lesson for me here is to back off, way off, and let my daughter realize this life is hers, not mine, not her family's. She is in desperate need of self identity and my getting out of the way is likely the best thing I could do for her.
"Also, remember, her being in rehab doesn't mean that you need to take time out of your life or take off work. She is there and she is safe, the rest is up to her. You should take this time to work on setting boundaries and taking care of yourself. Focus on you, not her. You health (emotional and physical) should be a main focus."
Thank you for this, I agree in theory. I have also not yet talked with friends or extended family so I am feeling very isolated in my grief. I am trying to decide if talking about it would be helpful to me or just cause more pain and heartache. How do you decide who to confide in, talk to?? Also complicating this time for "me" idea are several requirements of the rehab facility itself: the Christmas celebration at rehab which is on a very busy work day for me and my husband; writing this letter for her rehab is taking an enormous effort; and then this rehab has a week long family class that we are supposed to take... When I asked how do they accommodate for working families she said that most people take family sick leave!? There are many demands being made of my time by rehab, which I am willing to do but it seems like such conflicting messages I am getting and I am trying to sort it all out... Pay for rehab, but HANDS OFF; come to our classes during your work week, which just serves to heighten my resentment which in turn increases the tension/anxiety/dependence that causes my daughter to drink in the first place; be honest in your letter about all the costs to you, but don't say anything that might through her off her game and make her leave rehab!! I find the entire situation untenable and very difficult to navigate in a clear and honest fashion.