Hi H00ped,
Thanks for sharing how you feel about your friend and trust me everyone on here knows exactly how you are feeling.
I used to think that I had to "save" everyone and everything that was broken in the world... especially alcoholics and addicts as they are so marginalized in our society.
But... after a lifetime of the disease of alcoholism (I am acoa from a family of origin that was abusive and highly dysfunctional) as well as 35 years working with addicts and alcoholics as clients in the criminal justice community I finally had some moments of clarity and true understanding about myself.
I do have tremendous empathy and even pity for the alcoholics and addicts that are caught in a vicious disease but it does not help them at all if I do not have boundaries that protect them from me and my hard wiring trying to run their life and force recovery.
Like you, I had visions of their death (I am speaking of my XA and my brother) and destruction and in both cases it was highly likely. And like you I thought I was the only one on the planet that had a chance of stopping this from happening from two people I loved dearly.
It made me very, very sick for many, many years. I did a lot of crazy things. Really crazy.
Finally, after almost getting a gun out of my car and shooting the love of my life dead in what would have most likely ended in my being arrested and possibly executed I realized that I had to end the insanity for my own well being.
And my finally seeing this and getting better myself opened the door to my XA getting better.
When I finally went NC for months it looked like he was going to die by drinking himself to death or getting run over in a blackout (he would cross the strip anywhere without a crosswalk in a complete stupor) and one night he met Jesus on a bus. Long story short Jesus was a speaker at a church in Vegas and plays Jesus in films and he was in full costume on this bus.
Now my x is a believer, a praying person and he had of course been praying and here is Jesus... on a bus in Vegas! Turns out Jesus was someone he and I had prayed with a year and half before and my XA recocnized him and they prayed together on the bus and Jesus gave him his phone number and said if "you decide to get help call me".
So two weeks later my XA did and Jesus got him into Tommy Barnett's Dream Center in Arizona and for the first time my XA did something on his own. Without a judge ordering him, without me nagging and threatening to leave him/kill him etc he went into recovery.
And God did it without me. Imagine that for a minute. God didn't need me after all. In fact, clearly my own disease had been a roadblock and I had been in the way the entire time.
The God of my and His understanding sent a messenger to Las Vegas to deliver a message in something he identified with in full costume. Now what are the odds of that?
You know we pray. All of on this forum pray. And we give it to God... whoever is our HP of our understanding. But then we snatch it right back and start trying to put the weight and the responsibility of another grown person's alcoholism in our lap.
That is not faith. In my case, it was me drunk with the power of being in control over my XA and my need to be a martyr and to be "right" about him. I had a messiah complex.
If your friend is not "doing whatever it takes" to get better then anything you do is wasted energy and a lot of wasted pain on your part.
The alcoholic has to stop trying to manipulate others to survive and drink and GIVE UP... completely surrender and say "what do I need to do" and then do it!
If he isn't doing that you can spend every waking minute hovering and helicoptering and handwring yourself to death but the runaway train of untreated alcoholism will run you over.
Let go or get dragged. And if let go and let God he may get well because he will have to turn to God because we arent acting like God for God.
Let God be God. Pray. Expect your A to turn his life and will over to God and do whatever it takes. And if he reaches up and REALLY crys out to God then God will reach out the rest the of way.
My XA? Who careened across the country drunk? Burned up his car? Went to jail in 2 different states?
He is GREAT!!!! God opened a door and he has a great job, driving a beautiful car (he burned up a mercedes in a casino parking lot but is driving a better one now that was given to him by his job) and is in at least one AA meeting a day. At least...
But... I am happy that he is well but I am staying far away (3000 miles) physically and emotionally. I love him like I have never loved anyone before but he is alcoholic and he always will be.
Loving an alcoholic is very, very risky. Loving one like mine is insanity pure and simple! But... his sobriety this time (he roller coasters) is different. It is so real... so pure... so genuine...well... it is God breathed.
You see... the disease of alcoholism is ego driven. That is why they are so crazy because they are so self centered. The ego deflation at depth that happens in a clear bottom experience can create an opportunity for a spiritual change that can last a lifetime.
Or it could end tomorrow. That is the sad truth about this disease. The true love of my life is an alcoholic. He is the most amazing, kind, beautiful soul and he loves me back the same way. But he is a "'real alcoholic" and he must fight that disease after minute of every day. He must be vigilent. Live the steps on a daily basis and keep a close eye on his own shortcomings and personality defects. Because his disease has amnesia and he could very easily drink again and then its Katie bar the door.
He becomes an animal when he drinks. A mean, cruel, selfish creep.
But who he is today is his choice to work hard at being that man God created. He is willing to do that work... today. One day at a time.
I can't live that way anymore. I can't worry over him. So I have to love him from here. From my heart alone.
And you have to decide if you want to live each day with him drinking. Because unless he willing to do whatever it takes (amputate him arm, sew his mouth shut etc) then he will continue to drink.
Period.