I understand. My ex-husband is not a narcissist or a bad person. Until the very end he was not at all a mean or abusive person. Many of us have a hurt child inside of us. My ex does. I do.
I had a lot of pity (and this is just me sharing - I'm not presuming to say that is what you are feeling) for my husband but pity is not a great or respectful emotion. It was also a 'hook' for me and kept me in denial. I wanted to save him. I felt like I had to save him. When he was hurting I felt a very real physical panic in the center of my being - a physical pull to do something right at that moment to ease his pain. To save him from himself. For me, in looking back to when I was a young girl, I wanted desperately to save my mother too. I didn't succeed at that either but it played a part in why I was so attached to a man that was sinking and taking me down with him. And who am I to save another person? I don't have that kind of power. I'm doing good to save myself. Releasing that quest allowed me to let go of my resentments, anger, bitterness, frustration and made room for compassion, which allows me to make decisions that are kind and loving to the people in my life without sacrificing myself to do it.
You have not mentioned children but I have four young boys. They were living my husbands childhood.
They would grow into young men, with hurt little children inside, looking for a way to cope. Over and over the family legacy continues until someone re-draws the map for the children. "The alcoholic parent is not satisfied with his own childhood," Bly says, using the bruised rhetoric of recovery. "He wants yours too. When the father vanishes into alcohol, the son lingers and lingers, searching for a lost part of himself."
Alcoholism is heartbreaking to be sure.
I also "feel" (believe)? someone who feels unloved at his core needs to know someone cares and will love unconditionally, not based on performance. Someone who steps up to the plate has to be prepared to be disappointed time and time again, or perhaps, carry a detached but loving attitude so the "falls" don't faze them, but their support is still there (with the appropriate boundaries, of course).
Loving and saving are not the same thing. When I was trying to save him (totally unsuccessfully by the way) I did not love him. I hated myself and was nothing but bitter, frustrated, and resentful towards him because he was not changing or being who I wanted and needed him to be. With much distance I have let go of all those negative things. I don't love him in the romantic married sense but I do have a love for him. He is the father of my children, we have many years of history and memories. We built a life together. It may have crumbled to the ground in a mountain of beer cans but that doesn't change the past that was there.
Anyway - I'm rambling too and really not trying to convince you to leave or stay or make any specific decision. I'm just sharing my story because so much of what you post sounds so familiar to me.
One last thought. You can provide all the unconditional love in the world but what each individual needs to do is figure out how to love themselves and that is an inside job. If our love made a difference this board would not exist. Unlike the race, we simply can not carry someone over the finish line into recovery because it all happens on the inside.
As a follow up - after our separation my husband went on a 15 month bender that ended in a complete meltdown in another state two weeks after getting his dream job. He spent 12mos in an inpatient rehab and another 12mos with some pretty intense outpatient help. He's moving, getting a job, and don't know what kind of follow up recovery/counseling he'll access. It has been really hard for him and that is hard to see. I still wish I could save him but I can not. One thing I'm 99.9% sure of. If we would have stayed married there would have been no change what so ever. He'd still be on that long slow slide down to the alcoholism pit of hell, and I'd be right there beside him.