h00ped

What I know now about this man is he uses alcohol to numb his feelings of extreme low self worth. I didn't understand this for the first 2 years I knew him because he is one of the most {outwardly} confident, funny and fun people I have ever met, and therein was the attraction. And that's why it was so shocking to hear when he admitted the way he feels about himself, for real. It's hard for me to understand why he hates himself so deeply when he's got so much good going for him, but of course, nobody understands or can change another person's insecurities, like the girl I met at a Christmas party who was so tiny and beautiful but was convinced she was overweight.

We were emotionally close enough for him to open up about certain things and emotions he has, we spent a lot of time in tears and praying through some of these very issues. I believe I've seen both the true heart of his soul, the person underneath, and the monster that emerges when alcohol takes hold of thinking and exacerbates the guilt and shame, intensifying the feelings and creating a mental and emotional state where facing these feelings becomes too unbearable, and the withdrawal into alcohol is not just debauchery, but the way he chooses to make the thoughts/voices stop.

So the way I'm feeling, and why I'm so concerned with what he's feeling, is I am grieving that this little boy is hurt, and the alcohol that promises to protect him from the cruel world is actually destroying everything around him. I know people are supposed to be in control of their choices, but I can't help but think when I take this stand, the little child inside him receives it as "you're bad - see everyone leaves you, because they can't stand you and you never do anything right."

I don't think he's even emotionally capable of understanding why I'm doing this, it gets received as "you're bad and nobody will ever love you." The alcohol certainly has a way of twisting communication as well.

We had a show in Canada when I was a kid, called the littlest hobo. It was about a dog that didn't have any owners. The theme song made me cry every time I heard it, the thought that the dog didn't have a family and was all alone. I didn't "get it" that the dog liked his lifestyle, he wasn't actually hurting, and the song wasn't supposed to be sad. The show was about all his cool adventures. But even now when I think of the song and the words and the melody I just cry thinking of that poor dog. I think of XABF like this poor, lonely littlest hobo and I know that sounds ridiculous, but I know underneath the "addict" there's this little guy who lost his mum and was emotionally stunted at that young age. He needs counseling for this, and he's expressed a willingness to get it. But it will take a long time to peel the onion, and to overcome the addiction whilst healing from the underlying cause it an uphill battle.

I also "feel" (believe)? someone who feels unloved at his core needs to know someone cares and will love unconditionally, not based on performance. Someone who steps up to the plate has to be prepared to be disappointed time and time again, or perhaps, carry a detached but loving attitude so the "falls" don't faze them, but their support is still there (with the appropriate boundaries, of course).

I once heard a story about the special olympics. There was a track race, and near the finish line, one of the racers fell down. (True story). The other runners stopped, turned around, went back and picked him up, and they all finished the race together. They weren't putting their own goals or glory first, they were willing to forego their opportunity to excel to bring up the one that was fallen. I wish life were like that, I know that with addiction, it can be wishful thinking that support like that always helps. Right now I feel like if I give up on caring about that little hurting boy and focus on my ideal life ahead of me (which I can easily keep going after), I'm leaving my friend down on the track.

The message I'm getting with the "let them hit rock bottom" is wait till everyone has left the stadium and night has fallen, and see if the runner is motivated to get up and finish the race all by himself. In the dark.

OK enough with my ramblings, it's really late. Trying to sort out the wisdom (which I believe I can learn a lot from people who've been there and can see the bigger perspective and more objectively than I can) from the sentimental and ridiculously empathetic to a fault side of me.