nano

Hi Friends,
I am new to the addiction scene. My daughter is in rehab. She went on her own and really I am very proud of her, but still guarded as I was shocked by how much she had been drinking and for how long. The lies, the deceit, the broken promises, friendships lost, her anger and judgement toward others, it is all crashing on me and I find I am so angry at her for all she has done to hurt our family. I don't feel very hopeful about her recovery. She suffers from terrible anxiety and has been depressed for years. She has been on antidepressants and antianxiety meds for years, they have helped some but obviously not enough as she was self medicating with alcohol to the point of addiction.

I am supposed to write a letter, an honest letter, for her to read in group about how her addiction has affected me. I am worried that the truth will only send her deeper into despair because the guilt and shame is already a heavy cross for her to bear. On the other hand, I have never been honest with her about my feelings. I feel terribly angry and taken advantage of. When the going gets tough, she always gets going... I mean runs away, hides in her own life, never contributes to family troubles, is 'put out' if a younger sibling is in need of support, god forbid her dad or I should need anything from her.

All told my daughter is incredibly self absorbed and now she is in rehab during the holidays, when we are all at our busiest she is being catered to; doing yoga, talking through her problems, journaling, eating good food; man, what I would give for some time off work, some time away from my obligations and responsibilities... Someone put me in rehab please!

I am so conflicted. I am happy she is getting the help she needs, I am proud of her for taking this step AND I am mad as hell that she is there during this very stressful time which requires that I take time (once again!) out of my life (and the life of all my other adult children and grandchildren) to deal with her troubles! Arghhh. Not to mention the cost of this rehab facility, which again I know causes her tremendous guilt but will likely have serious consequence for the entire family (no family vacation this year, maybe next year too).

So my question is: how honest should I be with her about the anger I feel toward her being in rehab over the holidays or about the consequences of the cost of rehab? I need to be supportive of this decision, right? Isn't telling her my truth going to be counter productive? I know they want to teach her to face her addiction and the consequences it has had to the relationships in her life, but where do I draw the line? Yes, she has made some terrible decisions that have hurt me, her dad, her sibs, her friends. Does it really help to enumerate these for her?

I hope some of you with rehab experience can give me your thoughts on these matters and help guide me in writing this difficult letter.

I would also like to know how effective rehab has been for many people. It seems to be not very effective given that 95% are drinking again within a year (is this a true statistic?). Is it worthwhile? This facility costs so much money! Not that she is not worth it, of course she is. But at my age and stage I have working for 40+ years so that my children could be educated and have opportunities I didn't. Now I am paying for rehab instead of taking a vacation or putting money in the bank for retirement (ha!) and I resent this so very much. But I also love her with all my heart and would do anything to save her from this wretched disease. What am I to do?

Thanks for listening.