Hi Jeepr - welcome
I'm sorry for your pain.
From your post it reads like you were looking for someone to fix you maybe?
it's something a lot of us guys instinctively do - we're still looking for the outside fix we used to find in drugs and alcohol.
The only way I ever found peace was to look at the void inside me - the hole I tried to fill for years with booze and drugs and women - and *stop* trying to fill the damn thing.
It
can't be filled man - but it
can be healed...with a lot of work and patience.
Of course the irony is once I started to heal myself, I started to love myself...and once I did that...other people started to love me too
I can understand hating God - I felt the same for a long time...but God didn't do this man - I truly believe God wants the best for us.
I think the best for you is still to come...but maybe you just have a little more work to do yet?
D