Ohh jeepr, you can swear and curse God if that relieves some tension and anxiety. I am not a devout believer (in that, I do believe in a higher power, I am just not sure what that higher power is), but I do think that your God would totally understand your pain and why you are hating on him/her so much at this point.
You are blessed that you have people that care about you and you obviously care about them given you don't want to cause them the magnitude of pain that would be endured if you were to end your life.
When I feel at my lowest of lows, I try to think of people that are worse off than myself (for example the children and families of that recent school shooting) and I feel humbled, almost embarrassed that I am licking my wounds because I have a hard time controlling my drinking and yet they are heading into Christmas having to attend a funeral of a loved one that was so selfishly snatched from them a week before. Breaks my heart.
Trust me when I say you will meet someone when you are ready to meet someone. And it ALWAYS happens when you least expect it.
Just gotta have hope and faith
Good luck dude.