I feel like a newcomer, dry drunk
I will sum up my story quickly here and have only really identified how deep it goes recently... 10 years ago i got sober. Went to rehab first 2 years of recovery i grew. Then i really wanted a girlfriend but didn't have the guts. I was too shy so i went extreme introvert after frustrating evenings of me doing nothing about it. I never went out and for the next 8 years or whatever I stayed home on weekends etc. I have no desire to have any friends, don't care to go shoot the **** on a friday, i want a f'ing girlfriend.
I got my wish and i feel hard for a girl, then i got scared and pushed her away. 1-2 weeks after breakup i realized what a flipping moron i am. At the time she had help me reawaken and all these old memories started coming back. I got greedy and confident and scared, very bad mixture.
Now she has done the right thing and said gtfu out of my life. I feel like crap cause i really cared about her. Now i feel hopeless. I see two paths:
1. Drink
2. God
I have tried to go to god but it cannot be maintained. I only feel like praying when down, when things are good i forget and i **** up my life good. If i am not down i don't feel a connection with god, as i try to pray when up but it just doesn't work and i don't care.
The truth is i know i am not ready for a girlfriend yet, i can't even handle myself. Yet i also know it would probably take a team of scientists, 3 prescriptions and years of hard work to be dateable and i am not willing to go through this.
I don't have motivation to fix myself now and just want to mope and say **** it again and turn introvert. Everyone says don't drink but i can't be like this forever and that WILL give me motivation. I never tried controlled drinking in past always did drugs, though yes i know it is a drug but at this point if i fail it would probably be better for me anyway, as the big book says if your not sure on step 1 go back out.
I hate god for putting this poor girl in my path as well as hate god for making me the way i am. Not going to lie, suicide feels like an option now though not planned 100%. I don't do it because i do have people that care and it is the ultimate selfish act. And now i am a smoker again when i was smoke free for so long, f'ing great.
HATING GOD,