Mariah...
Im on day 10 now (going on 11 in about 15 minutes) and I can relate to you.
I played so many freaking games with myself to justify the drunk whirlpool I dove into every second night of the week...oh man. "It makes everything else more fun" I would say (I was lying to myself). Im just a GUY. Drinking is what we do (lying).
I would say things like "No one thinks I have a problem" (because they didn't) "so I must not"...but I KNEW. Deep down I knew. I would have spans of anxiety and deep frustration and my family just thought I was being neurotic or stressing out over other things. It made me nuts. I would decide that they were right and then I would binge for a few nights and then spin out of control with worry that I had finally had the binge that did irreparable harm to my liver.
I just posted earlier today about how I told my dad yesterday that I was quitting drinking for good, finally. He is an ex addict, and so he was good about it, but he was surprised that it was "that bad."
My point is not to make this about me or my story. My point is, there is no set point of critical mass that tips us over into the realm of alcoholism. It isnt really quantifiable by outsiders. It is US. WE know when it is enough.
Moderation will NOT work for me, either...so I feel your pain there. A couple of years ago I stopped drinking for months and hit the gym constantly. I felt great and looked great...but...I started having a 6 pack a week. Then it was every few days. Then it was 8 beers. Then 9 every two days. You know what Im talking about.
I always think of that line in the first Matrix movie...when Neo first meets Trinity and he wants to be let out of the car, to go back to his old life. She stops him and says "Look! Look down there. You have been down that road before. You know exactly where it goes."
You can pick a different path. Its a rough path, to be sure, but it is worth it in the end. Just hang a left. Or a right.