"We only accept the love we think we deserve"
As another who has lived with domestic violence, I can tell you a few things that i've learned:
-this person helped shape my view of what I believed I deserved, how I deserved to be treated. I know now that it was extremely erroneous.
-it had a ripple effect on how I performed in every aspect of my life. I describe one of the "ism" parts of alcoholism quite frequently as social phobia and feeling "not quite right", but let me tell you, the jump from a high-achieving student with ambition to one that locked herself in toilet cubicles to avoid walking to the train station for fear of having a panic attack or being judged (after uni classes) went deeper than feeling like a square peg trying to get through a round hole. I wasn't drinking "alcoholically" at this stage-far, far from it.
-this relationship also helped set the tone (mentally) for more toxic relationships.
In hindsight, this seemed terribly sneaky-it was always verbal and emotional & I don't like to think about where it was headed. It has been mentioned above that It's progressive. I agree 100%.
There are resources out there, Ken-I started DV counselling about 2 months ago and it has been instrumental in teaching me how to set *healthy* boundaries and gain a neutral person's perspective about the #1 resentment that had been "on loop" for about 8 years.
My radar is a bit more finely tuned to see this kind of **** coming and identify it for exactly what it is.
I wish you the best
Xx