Domestic violence and alcohol
The relationship between alcohol and domestic violence is complicated. But let's get one thing certain from the get go.
Alcohol does not cause domestic violence. The abuser does.
I plan on writing several follow up posts to this one as I wade through the emotions of having been through a painful and traumatic episode that left me in the hospital and my life at a crossroads.
Sharing this is important for me to keep a sense of stability through feedback when I have few sounding boards. I find I lose level many times during the day. Going from its ok to this did not happen to oh my god what do I do?
I grew up in an abusive alcoholic home. I got use to being punched in the stomach while laying in my bed. Being told I am worthless daily. But that was a time when he, the abuser, wanted to control or demean me. It was not a relationship on equal footing. It was an abuse of parental rights.
What happened to me last week is not that kind of abuse. It was something that has been building through a couples continued abuse of drugs and alcohol. Physical contact was new as of only a few months ago.
We had been on a three day drug and drinking binge. I first think that this is starting to justify the event. No. No it's not. I have had month binges where violence never occurred. But my mind still blames me. My heart does not.
That's a powerful struggle. Blame. Who, why, how come it came to this?
Can he take it back?
No. It cannot be undone. I must now move through it. And the thing that strikes me most, of all the wild emotions, is I don't want to.
I don't want it to be taken back.
Nothing in my life has put an exclamation point on our addictions like this has. Nothing has stopped me in my tracks. Not crack Christmases. Not getting drunk and doing shameful things. None of the sexual escapades. Not the three attempts at rehab. Nothing has said stop.
Until last Sunday.
This is not a transient relationship. It's long established, almost 19 years and always focused on what's next. Only what's next the last ten years changed into how much is next.
Our personal choices blended into one huge addiction. Nothing is discernable from the other. Even up to the event I swore I was recovering. But no one in recovery is bingeing on coke and voldka like we were.
I will be honest. I want the love of my life back. I want our warm times and laughs back. I want to feel safe again. I want to forget this happened.
People here say they learned to live life on life's terms. I heard it. I say oh yeah... I know what they mean. Well.... Life on life's terms means I can have all the wants in the world. I have to accept I don't get the wants. I get what is.
We have had many emotional drawn out talks but each time I put an end to the what will happen to us questions and declarations. This is way way past the us mark. This has to be the me mark and only the me mark.
I stop them because I will not lose focus. My mind has become keenly aware of only one thing. How do do I fix myself?
I saw all along the depth of my addictions. But I never really....in my heart of hearts... Thought anything was "wrong" with me. But oh man.... There is.
Night and day. My whole system has been shocked by this. Like I flatlined and had one of those godly experiences.
I don't know what the steps after next are. I only know today and maybe part of tomorrow. I will waste nothing on anything more than that. I cannot afford the energy.
This much I know. Alcohol will lead me to terrible things if I don't see it for what it is.
I have not until this point been respectful enough of its power.
Abuse of any kind is unacceptable. Even when drunk and high.
The thought of drinking terrifies me.