Something has changed. I looked at her phone last night. Just weeks before going to the hospital she was exchanging provocative, sexual text messages with one of her many "friends". These guys just hang around and she is clearly a willing participant.
She has always claimed 100% purity with her faithfulness, which is a complete joke based on a mountain of circumstantial evidence. I've never caught her red handed. This is the part that REALLY hurts and I am really done with. The facts are the facts.
As usual, the "watch and wait" strategy is working, I am getting clarity. It comes down to my emotions versus my intellect. The emotions bounce me all over the map, magnified by the fact that I am an emotional person. But give me a break.
I'm going to try to detach, be supportive, have a nice Christmas, and shortly thereafter, resume my divorce proceedings.
I can see my own denial of the truth of this relationship. The fact is, any time in the last 2 years of hell, whenever I was confused, I could look at her phone and see painful truths that slam me back to reality. It hurts like hell every time, but I am batting 1.000 with my suspicions that she has a secret life, an unfaithful agenda, and Plan B, Plan C, and Plan D in the event that things don't work out.
I have been dealing with this nonsense for long time. It has been long, difficult, and expensive to extract myself without hurting feelings and creating conflict. Avoidance of conflict and peace making is in my DNA. But I am not stupid. So I will patiently allow this to continue to unfold.
A lot of my hang ups are because of God, my Christian beliefs about forgiveness, and the backdrop of "what would Jesus do?" I have attempted unconditional love and forgiveness with regard to AW, and even now I feel like crap. But I am getting through it, with the help of this board, al anon, a church support group, and many friends and family.
I would love to be done. I would love to be normal. I would love for AW to move on so I wouldn't have to think about this all the time. Unfortunately, I feel bad, like a quitter or someone who is abandoning someone else, shirking responsibility etc., even as I type those words.
God I hate alcoholism. I'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, I do have many blessings and I have enjoyed a physically healthy, interesting and abundant life. I am 46 years old and anything can happen going forward. Somehow, I just need to keep plowing forward through this discomfort and someday, maybe, I will feel OK about my journey.
Thanks again to everyone. You truly, really, help me with your ESH.