Originally Posted by
djayr 
I am so confused at this point. Why did God save her? Why did I pray so earnestly for her to live, when part of me feels life would be simpler if she would just die? Does the timing mean anything? I was just about to go for a final divorce, perhaps now I should delay? Or maybe I should file papers, have her served, and keep the process going forward anyway?
Because you are a decent human being.
When I learned XABF was in the hospital with cancer I knew it was the end, especially with the added information that he was in an induced coma "because he was completely freaked out and it was the only way left to keep him from hurting himself."
I'll confess that while I didn't go to the hospital (it had been almost a year since I had gone "no contact" with him) I did
not want things to end that way for him. Nobody deserves that. Everyone deserves a chance.
Would I have gone back into a relationship with him if he had gotten better? ABSOLUTELY NOT! But that didn't stop me from wishing the best for him and his family, because it's just one of those things... We have to have compassion, it's what keeps us human, and while a lot of times it's what keeps us stuck in the situation much longer than we should remain, it's also a large part of how we can continue forward with our lives knowing that we are doing the right thing.
Originally Posted by
djayr It is unspeakably difficult for me to face this sober, kind, trying-to-recover woman, in a hospital, at Christmas, to tell her I don't want to be married anymore. I really don't think I do.
She's doing too little, too late -- right?
I know I need boundaries, I am going to Al Anon 2X per week and I have another support group as well. I'm not alone trying to figure this out, but anyone who wants to share their ESH with me right now, I need it bad. I love this woman when she is sober, but her vodka drinking has put me throught the meat grinder which is why I am twisted up like a pretzel at the moment.
I think it's part of the whole cycles, the whole "When it was good is was really, really good and when it was bad it was horrid." It's a different part of the cycle, and unfortunately with the timing it makes things more difficult.
Ultimately, you need to do what is right for you - and that also means making a decision you can live with. If you feel the timing is off right now there's nothing wrong with waiting until after the holidays and after she's out of the hospital. If you want to wait and see what she does then by all means wait and see - but YES, boundaries are critical here, to ensure you don't get sucked back in again.
Meantime, remember that if she's going to drink she's going to drink, and nothing you do will "cause" that. If/when you decide to serve her the papers, SHE gets to decide whether she will use that as an excuse to start drinking again or an additional wake up call to get better or however she wants to justify whatever she intends to do in her head.
That is outside of your control, and whether you serve her the papers now or wait fifty years to do it your actions are not responsible for her decisions.
...Perhaps you simply need to be certain that you believe that before you decide what you are going to do next?