CowgrlInTheSand

I don't know how far back to go so I'll just start with last night. My boyfriend went to sleep at 10:30 PM last night. Not unusual for him, but as he lay down he started talking a little nonsense about a cartoon and then he was out like a light. He usually crashes hard, but even before he went to bed he seemed to get very sleepy out of nowhere so I was suspicious. I searched his knapsack, that I've come to despise because it represents everything that he hides from me, and I found an Aleve bottle that had regular Aleve tablets, but also three 2mg Alprazolam bars (green ones). I haven't confronted him because his "recovery" is barely a week old, but I took the pills and so far he hasn't seemed to notice. I don't know what to do.

We've been together for a year (I know him much longer) and in that year I've seen him wasted three times on Xanax/alcohol. I took a video of him and showed it to him the last time he did this in May and it seemed to have scared him. He says that's the last time he's taken them. Even if I did confront him about the Xanax I found last night, I know he will tell me that he's selling them. This is what happened last week when I found a bottle of pills that contained some Oxy, Percoset and I have no idea what else. He knows someone who can get pills so he is supposedly acting as the middle man for a few work friends. Apparently, I found those pills on the first day of that side business and it was only to be able to have a few extra dollars for Christmas.

Obviously, I freaked. He has been a habitual pot smoker for many, many years and he has a heavy drinking habit that he's been dishonest with me about. Every time he came home it was always, "oh big deal, I had two beers". He's since admitted that he was drinking a lot more than he told me. Since that big fight last week, he has cut out all weed and alcohol since last Wednesday. Everything seemed to be on track and then he went to his first meeting two days ago. He told me about some of it, but he said that he was too confused, too upset and decided to stay at his apartment that night to just sleep and end the day early. Turns out he didn't go to work the next day (lied to me about going in then coming home, but he actually just didn't go in) and I just have had a feeling that I'm not being told the truth about everything there is to know.

I feel like I'm all over the place in this post, but I'm confused and don't know what to do (there's that thought again). The worst thing is that I don't think I can't trust him, but I'm not exactly sure what's going on. If I ask him directly he will mightily deny taking those Xanax I found, but then why does he have them? Could he have a Xanax addiction that I've been blind to for all of this time? I don't know much about drugs. I was a daily pot smoker years ago, but I don't do anything anymore and don't even drink. We have a Christmas party to go to tonight and I'm trying to keep it together and not have another huge meltdown like I did last week (don't think I have it in me today as I'm really just sad). Should I just hold on to the Xanax and wait for him to ask me about them? I thought he was very serious about getting 100% straight and he seems to be doing that with regards to weed and alcohol, but if that's the case, why does he have these Xanax?

I think I need someone to help me get into his mind and understand his thinking/actions. I don't have any experience with addiction/substance abuse and just don't understand how he can hide so much from me, the one he repeatedly says he loves more than anything. How can he think we have a future together with so much deception going on?

Thanks to anyone listening.