Don't beat yourself up.
I agree you might have to look at joining a local group. I assume you mean AA.
I joined because I had run out of things to try. It really changed my life and opened my eyes to some things.
It might be worth giving it a shot for a while, right?
If AA isn't for you there are lots of other options. There's really no reason to do it alone or not try to use all the tools that are out there.
You can do this!