redrose

i've written you before, i have broken up with my alcoholic/drug addict bf of four years two months ago and i still feel like i'm an emotional roller coaster.
i have no contact with him and he can't have any contact with me for the last two months, i'm totally ditached from him.

although i have paractice the 12 steps, read "codependency no, more", focusing on myself all the time, going to school full time, working part time, hang out with friends and family all the time, basically doing all the things that are good for me. and yet i'm so fixated on my feelings being with him.

i find myself often missing him so much, the better him, the sober him and missing all of his good qualities and his love and affection. i've dated many men before him for a long time (non were alcoholic/drug addicts, and i'm not a user either) and i never had such a hard time moving on, but it seems like no matter how hard i try getting over him, i'm sucked into feeling what i feel without even having him around. it tempts me want to contact him and talk to him although i KNOW WITH MY EVERYTHING that i don't want to get back together with him ever. although he had so many good qualities to him that i adore, and i still do, he was never violent or upset, rather he was always loving and caring and really loved me. i feel like i'm the one who lost something big in the relationship eventhough i was the better half. i keep driving by his house one in a while and i can't see his car there, i think he moved and knowing that i might never be able to see him again just drives me insane. i mean four years is a long time and i gave him EVERYTHING, i know i am to blame too on many things, but i broke up with him mainly because i coudn't endure this life style of drinking and using all the time. he was highly functioning and had two jobs, and our relationship was very strong, although he went sober many times for long period of times, he would always relaps sooner or later.

i'm afraid of this emotinal roller coaster of emotions that i have because i don't want to be tempted into calling him or doing something stupid that will suck me back into a relationship with him. how can i feel complet with my decision and move on? i think, i'm so fixated because i feel like at the end i hurt him really hard by cutting everything cold turkey and not looking back, in some ways i feel like he didn't deserve it....and this feeling of guilt although i might have done the right thing, kills me. any advice? tips?