Analyzing relapses
I see it said many times to analyze what caused someone to relapse. Im wondering how people here do that?
I know I once had around 50 days and relapsed. I got defensive with my sponsor asking me to go to more meetings. I think I was already planning to drink. I was angry frustrated and uncomfortable. I didnt like feeling that I needed to be in a program and was resenting it. My friends wedding was upcoming and I thought Id be a bore there sober. I had doubts of if I was really an addict or if I could moderate.
So I gave up and fired my sponsor. Days later I had a shot and a beer, thinking Id prove my moderation status. I blacked out at the bachelor party and vomited. Luckily I moderated at the wedding as I was fearful of making a mockery of myself.
In all this I see an alcoholic plain and simple.
I am realizing that anger and defensiveness are huge red flags for me. Also feeling left out and understating the problem are big warnings.