Originally Posted by
ashamedtobehere 
Well, I'm awake.
I realize I have a drinking problem. Not an 'addiction' mind you, in the classic sense to the chemicals and drugs at work - I have an addiction to 'excess.' I think it's more mental then anything - I've been suicidal and I think I'm just trying to 'snuff out my own mind' when I drink. I try to get out of this head that's always a swirling mess of chaos.
I've been trying meditation, yoga and herbal teas lately to try and stop a lot of my anxiety. I'm poor, live in a very rural area and there's not many resources out there for me to address what I think is a psychological issue in what I've self-diagnosed as GAD. I think the alcohol ties into that. It's not just alcohol though, any drug I've done(I don't do drugs, once a year maybe, I'm stringent on that) I do in excess. I do all things to an extreme.
I would rather blow my own brains out though then be labeled an 'alcoholic.' In my life, having lived through murder, abuse and suicide due to alcohol, for me to have followed down that road is inconceivable. It wouldn't be a physical disease at that point it would be a weakness of spirit and lack of will.
I'm a binge drinker = that's literally a textbook definition of what I am. It's a problem for me. But I can't seem to put the beer away for good, any longer then a period of a month. I'll go a month, get insanely drunk and do HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE things and then be sober for a month.
I'm tired of black out nights, waking up and thinking, 'Oh god, who do I have to apologize to.' I've had enough of those nights that in recent days, I just tell people, 'It wasn't me. A drunk person isn't a truthful person; it'sa mutant version of someone's mind. Nonsense flies out of me when I'm drunk."
I just wish I could drink alone - I never get to. Maybe if I just drink by myself once a month, I'd be okay. I couldn't upset anyone or hurt anyone, I'd have no regrets in the morning in how I behaved. That's my true issue with binge drinking - the shame you have at having been 'someone else.' Someone you hate. I have a lot more problems going on then just this - again I'll lay money I've got a concrete mental illness that I can't overcome and can't get help for. Only medicine that provides relief I have access to is good ol' beer.
When someone's drowning in anxiety, how can they turn away from the only thing that gives them a respite and a sense of relief? It's the day after I hate; the day of drinking I love. When I am drunk and I've stripped away all that was me; I'm happy. I'm happy to not be me anymore; it's a wonderful escape out of a caged mind.
There is absolutely no need to label yourself as an alcoholic or addict. I have been away from substances for many years following a reasonably severe drinking history (daily, blackout drinker for 25 years), and I have never found it helpful to label myself.
What I HAVE found helpful--and I have GAD myself--is to learn better ways of coping with my life than drinking. It is true that alcohol and drugs have an illusory "instant fix" effect when you're using them, but in the long run I found that they were basically ruining my life and my health. I had to break that cycle. Here is what I did:
1. I used peer support. Like you, I did not care for AA and after a long attempt to make it work for me, I gave up on it and found SMART Recovery, which is a much better fit for me (no labeling is used, in fact people are encouraged NOT to use labels...and it's available online, which is great for rural folks).
2. I got psychological and psychiatric treatment. I did a lot of talk therapy in conjunction with medication (a low dose of a generic SSRI works wonders for me).
3. I take care of my physical health, including eating a good diet and getting regular exercise (sounds silly, but it is amazingly effective).
Bottom line: You do not need to live this way. You have options. Please do not get so hung up on that labeling thing: just don't do it. But do something, because life is too short to live it like you're doing now.