Some good stuff I found at
www.eqi.org...
Emotional Validation
I believe one of the most important emotional skills is the skill of validation. I say it is a skill because I believe it can be learned. Whether it is or ever will be part of the academic or corporate measures of emotional intelligence, I really don't know. But I do know that if you want to have better relationships with people, the skill of emotional validation is extremely useful.
The relationship will be better because with more validation you are going to have less debating, less conflicts, and less disagreement. You will also find that validation opens people up and helps them feel free to communicate with you. In fact, if there is a communication breakdown, if there is a wall between you and someone else, it probably has been built with the bricks of invalidation. Validation is the means of chipping away at the wall and opening the free flow of communication.
To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings. Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them.
To validate is to acknowledge and accept one's unique identity and individuality. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge their feelings, and hence, their individual identity.
When we validate someone, we allow them to safely share their feelings and thoughts. We are reassuring them that it is okay to have the feelings they have. We are demonstrating that we will still accept them after they have shared their feelings. We let them know that we respect their perception of things at that moment. We help them feel heard, acknowledged, understood and accepted.
Sometimes validation entails listening, sometimes it is a nod or a sign of agreement or understanding, sometimes it can be a hug or a gentle touch. Sometimes it means being patient when the other person is not ready to talk.
Painful feelings that are expressed, acknowledged and validated by a trusted listener will diminish.
Painful feelings that are ignored will gain strength.
Basic Steps to Validation
Acknowledging the other person's feelings
Identifying the feelings
Offering to listen (see EQ-Based Listening)
Helping them label the feelings
Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally
Feeling patient
Feeling accepting and non-judgmental
Here are some simple ways to validate someone when they talking to you and they are feeling upset, hurt, sad etc.
Awww
Yeah
Mmm
I hear you.
That hurts
That's not good
That's no fun
Wow, that's a lot to deal with
I would feel the same way.
(I would be sad/hurt/angry/jealus, etc. too)
That is sad.
That sounds discouraging.
That sounds like it would really hurt
That must really hurt.
I know just what you mean.
I would feel the same way.
I can understand how you feel.
It sounds like you are really feeling ____.
It sounds like _____ is really important to you.
Most of us truly want to help other people, but often we don't know how, or we try too hard and we start giving advice, as our parents did to us. But I have found that usually if I just validate someone, they are able to work out their own emotional problems even faster than if I were to give them my advice. This I believe is a sign of not only high EQ but of wisdom. Though I read about validation and "active listening" I didn't learn the importance of it. I learned it from life. And from watching what works and what doesn't work. If you want to help someone, try some of these. I have found they have amazing power.
For some people all you need to do is use these short, validating comments and they will continue to talk.
For others, you might encourage them to keep talking with short questions such as:
Really?
Yeah?
How's that?
You did?
She did?
If you find yourself in a position of needing to lead the conversation you might try:
I can see that you are really upset.
You look pretty sad.
You seem a little worried, troubled, scared, etc.
Would you like to talk about it?
That really bothered you, didn't it?
How did you feel when ______?
Also, to help someone release their feelings try:
What bothers you the most about it?
How strongly are you feeling that (on a scale of 0-10)?
How come? How so? How's that?
So you really felt ______? Is that close?
So what bothered you was that _____?
What else bothered you______?
How else did you feel______?
What would help you feel better?
Often, the fewer words from you, the better, especially when someone needs to talk and they are both willing and able. I have found, as I am sure you have, that it takes more to get some people talking than others. But once most people start, and feel safe and validated, they will continue.
Validation allows a person to release their feelings in a healthy, safe and supportive way. It also helps us get to know them better. Thus it builds bonds of caring, support, acceptance, understanding and trust. When a person is feeling down, these bonds are sometimes all that another person needs to begin to feel better and solve their own problems.
On the other hand, when they are feeling excited and enthusiastic, this validation encourages them and helps keep their spirits high.
For example when someone is excited, proud etc. You might say:
Cool. Neat. Wow. Excellent. etc.
That must have been fun/exciting.
I can see why you are proud.
By validating someone we demonstrate that we care and that their feelings matter to us-- in other words, that they matter to us. By "mirroring" someone's feelings, we show them that we are in tune with them. We feel connected with them and they feel connected with us