So here I am again.
So,
As sad as it is to say. I'm back to the start. Or have I ever even left the starting line? Haven't been able to stay clean for more then a week in the past six years of my life. Well, clean off pills or heroin. Not including the three rehabs and two detoxes program I was in. All but one of which being in the past year and half of my life. I just got out of rehab about three weeks or so, convinced I could stay away from everything. Not even 3 hours home, I was on the phone trying find an excuse or sort of game plan to stick that needle in my arm. And the next day I did. Went away to New York for about a week, just to try and clear my head. I've been clean from any sort of opiate for about 3 days. But, I have been smoking pot. As sick as this sounds, that's a great three days for me. Any day not sticking that needle in my arm seems like it's a good day. I'm still young, only 23 years old. Been an addict since about 14 or 15 I suppose. An everything junky in my earlier years. Until I found that perfect candy. It's hard for me to accept the fact I shouldn't be doing ANYTHING at all. What's wrong with going out for a few drinks with some close friends? I can pick up a beer or two and not drink to get drunk. There's always those exceptions, I'm just praying to god I can be one of those. Don't really know where I was going with this. Just nervous. Usually the inevitable would of happened or will soon be happening. And, I just can't keep doing that anymore. I won;t do that anymore. The vivid images, the dreams, the familiar places in passing, and even the faces of my family make me want to use. I AM doing things that I usually never seem to follow and that is to stay away from those who I partied with or bought from. Two of which were close friends of mine. Been changing my behaviors. But, at the same time Is this enough? It seems impossible to just change over your entire life, every little detail just like that. For me one thing at a time is tough, and to be told the only way to do this is to change everything in a snap? No way. This disease has taken a toll on me and the loved ones around me. We both need a break. I want this. I need this. I've lost so much. And I want it back. I lost it all over time and I know I can regain it all back in time. I don't know.
"If my fear has kept me here, only my fear can set me free."