I completely understand what you are saying. My husband died 8 and a half years ago. Since, I have suffered from severe depression, PTSD, anxiety, and panic disorder. The drinking to make myself feel better became full blown alcoholism about 3 years ago and has spiraled further and further down. All of my attempts to get sober failed, and in retrospect they were half-hearted at best. I finally admitted to myself that I couldn't stop drinking - couldn't actively and truly get involved in a treatment program - because I couldn't imagine living my life without using alcohol to cope. If getting off the alcohol meant that I had to go back to just living with all that pain and depression and anxiety - I couldn't convince myself I wanted it.
I went to in-patient rehab recently, and that is one of the things that the counselors stressed to me. I had to find a way to deal with this pain, or I will never stay sober. People who tell you that time heals all wounds are full of ****. Time alone dulls the pain, but it doesn't heal anything. Healing the pain has to come from an active desire and involvement from you and probably some outside help as well. What every person needs is different. You said that you know what is causing that pain - now you need to figure out what will help and who can help. You don't have to live with that pain daily - you can be healed but you will have to seek it out.
For me, I have scheduled an appointment with a counselor who deals in substance abuse and also depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I have about 5 different books that are on my to read list, I have started journaling, and writing positive affirmations daily to help me get through the day. I am posting and reading here regularly, and I also belong to another online forum for young widows (I was 32 when he died). I will be attending a women's only meeting every Wednesday. I am new to recovery, but currently I am feeling better, just knowing that I have a plan in place that will help learn to deal with this and heal from it, without the alcohol
I hope you find your path to healing as well!