However, I get to thinking of all the things he has done to me the past two years from stealing my car, selling what good jewlery I had, stealing money from my purse, stealing my debt card when we was just getting buy so he could buy beer, WHY SHOULD I CARE NOW? I have such a caring heart, and I want him to get better, but I am mentally and emotionally drained. I have three wonderful children and nine grandchildren that need me and I have neglected the last two years babysitting him.
I think you have every right to be angry, is he worrying about you being angry or just drinks another drink?
When things were at their worst, I was up in his business trying to run his life, arguing with him when he wouldn't just follow my instructions already, and exploding in fantastic displays of emotions. I have to admit, some of my meddling and pleading was really insane. But my way didn't work. It just didn't work. Once I was able to see that all the begging, yelling, and stony silences in the world weren't going to help him or change him or convince him to look inward. Once I accepted that, it became really easy to detach. And then once I had the emotional distance, everything else snapped into clarity.
Now that I've been in the recovery community for awhile I just reread "Co Dependent No More" my Melody Beattie. When I first read it, I thought I had no resemblance to what she was describing, but I empathized. After all, I knew more about his addiction that he did, and if only he listened to me it would all work out. Now when I read it, I see myself and my behavior differently. I see all the resentment and passive aggression, I see all the management I tried to do, even as I was trying not to do it, and I see all the anxiety and fear revolving around him instead of focusing on how I was going to help myself and care for myself and focusing that time and energy on my children. Great book, and I highly recommend it.
The other thing that changed my life? Therapy. The phrase, "Wherever you go, there you are," is what I think of when I think of all the life makeovers I tried to do to myself. No matter how much I changed the window dressing, I was still looking out onto the same emotional scenery. I was sick of living this way, sick of treading water, and was ready for something to change. I started cleaning the emotional debris in therapy and collecting the dots without judgment -- how did I get here? is this my life? why? -- and this lifted a lot of the shame and feelings of responsibility I felt around abuse from my childhood, which makes me feel a lot different about myself than I did prior. It might be worth it if you're running out of options and ideas.
I feel good today. I'm grateful for my SR people.