Welcome to SR, and I am deeply sorry for the trauma you have been experiencing without pause since you were 17. Your life as you have described it is one of complete abandonment and abuse, and as a result, a total loss of self-worth.
God did not make you, dear, to be beaten down and thrown out. He made you a shining, beautiful human being to do something meaningful with your life and to hold your head high and to give and to receive love without any trace of abuse or domination. You are worthy of loving attention and of commitment and of safety in your most intimate life. But you have been so isolated all these years, isolated as prisoners of war are isolated, and as a result, totally at the mercy of an abuser, vulnerable to being completely controlled, and unable to help yourself or your children break free.
I agree that contacting a domestic abuse counselor will be the very best thing for you to do at this time, and allowing that person to assist you in rebuilding both your inner and your outer life.
People who read your story might ask themselves "How could she stay with him, keep going back to him?" But if they do, then they do not know what it is to be so isolated and so dominated by someone. When the abuser breaks one's spirit--and all abusers can do this masterfully if they keep their victims isolated, and certainly having baby after baby and no money is isolating enough--when the spirit is broken, then the abuser has complete control.
Your addict partner must surely have mastered the art of manipulation and I expect he is most tender and most sensitive when he draws you back in with promises of a life of stability and love.
But he is as cold as a snake. He operates like a snake. He is a drug addict and a batterer, and he is the most dangerous human being on this earth for you and for your helpless children.
In you there is still enough strength to take a step toward a life of integrity and honor as a woman and as a mother. There is still enough strength to seek real help. You are majoring in psychology, yet, you dear, you are the one most in need of emotional and mental therapy and healing. Please find that bit of shining strength and that last ounce of self-worth in you to get the help you so well deserve and so desperately need. The gift of health.
We are glad you reached out here on this forum. Please post anytime. But more importantly, pull your shoulders back and walk into the office of a domestic abuse counselor and allow the wisdom and love of others who understand to begin to change the entire direction of your precious life. May God and his angels walk with you and give you courage and insight.