NewBeginnings2

My story is long. Basically, I have been with my current husband since high school, where we had an on and off again relationship, as can be expected when youre 15 years old. I took it very seriously, however, and looking back I think that is where a lot of my self-esteem and confidence became eroded. He had a lot of friends, they may have been losers, but they made my life hell. When we were broken up, and when we were together. They always lied for him, partied with him, the girls slept with him...my own best friend called me one day to tell me she was feeling guilty, and that she'd been sleeping with him. I fell pregnant at 16, by him of course. I managed to graduate early, had my baby at 17, he dropped out of high school (was failing anyway). He abandoned me and the baby right after the birth, always hiding his cell phone and when he would show up at my parents house, he would just go to bed, couldnt wake him up, leaving me to deal with a VERY colicky baby from day one...alone. I sunk into a very bad postpartum depression. It literally felt like I had gone absolutely insane. He came back into our lives, and wanted to move us into his dads house, and I agreed (desperate for his approval and love...as usual). Once there, his dad and the new stepmom were always taking over the baby and serving drinks, and even drugs. I began smoking pot with him again, and in a matter of months, I began failing out of college, and life was unraveling. He was abusive, I found signs of him cheating, calling other girls, etc. I felt more alone than ever, and so scared. I was still scarred from the experience of having my first baby at 17, and he was no easy baby at all. And I suddenly found myself substance dependent and going nowhere. Eventually, I moved us out of his dads house into an apartment. I worked full time at Waffle House to support us. He was supposed to get a job, didnt happen for at least a nine month time span. The drugs and drinking still went on. Eventually, the $%# hit the fan when I fell pregnant, again... after a night of ecstasy use. He quit his job, the eviction notice came, I was forced to go to work again (I had quit Waffle House shortly before becoming pregnant to take care of our first child while he worked). I also became sober, overnight, and decided that it was a new rule. He had to get sober and quick. The whole pregnancy we barely even spoke; we slept in different rooms, I worked the whole time, he eventually got another job, again found out he was messing around with other females. He was drinking constantly, I hated it and had a huge issue with it. Then, shortly before having our second child, found drugs on top of the kitchen cabinet. He'd been using the whole time. After the birth of our second child, things seemed to mellow out. He drank a lot however, and one night became violent with me, shoving me into the floor and breaking my collar bone. I lied to the hospital the next morning, saying I tripped and fell. Things continued to disintegrate, until, in 2011, I decided to leave him. He was abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically. I went to court and obtained a protective order. We separated, but I was a mess. I tried running to another man (who I would NEVER be attracted to normally), he pushed me saying we were "soul mates" and crap, we slept together a few times, but I eventually came to my senses and ditched him. He was a mess. And 20 years older than me. Again, I was so desperate for love and validation... (I recognize the pattern there). Living at my parents house again, with two kids, going to school full time, I sank into depression. I lived a clean lifestyle, and had for sometime. I felt so alone, and began missing my childrens' father. Six months into the 12 month protective order, I made contact with him. We had sex, supposed to just be a one time thing, but turned into much more. He got fired from his crap job, for stealing...said he had taken something from work to pay me child support on time and a couple months later theyd caught him. Immediately after though, he was able to get a really great job that paid well. He got us a very nice place to live closer to my school, better schools for kids, etc. I fooled myself and thought things were just peachy, he was so sweet and seemingly had it "together". Even portrayed a clean lifestyle. We made long term goals and he seemed serious, more so than ever. I wound up pregnant with our third child. I was very sick this time, and it put a lot of stress on things and I started feeling a little depressed again; he was pulling away ans sometimes even mean. I kept doing my part, I was the best most loyal wife I could be... He hated working night shifts though when he had to, started complaining of depression and went to his doctor. Thats when the "drug trials" began... They switched his meds constantly, and none of them helped a thing. Next thing I knew, he had a tooth problem, then a foot problem, and was taking pain killers. Then his brilliant psychiatrist said he was ADHD and prescribed him Adderall, which he became addicted to. He hid the prescription from me for months, and I only recently found out about it. Things kept disintegrating, he stayed gone constantly. Every night Id beg him to stay and lay with me in bed, rub my back, just come to bed period...but he always had to leave. He used "schoolwork" as the excuse, but would stay gone until 2 or 3 in the morning. Then during the day, he would stay gone. Eventually, he stayed gone 24/7 it seemed. He wouldnt even talk on the phone longer than 5 minutes, barely responded to texts...it was horrible. Several times I needed him to watch the kids so I could go do research panels for money, or go to class. He would show up over an hour late each time...with pathetic reasons. I felt so abandoned and CONFUSED. I could not get a handle on what was going on. I questioned him about whether he was having an affair. It didnt seem like what was going on, I just didnt know. Then came the weird stuff. He started seeming delusional, paranoid, and was constantly borrowing money. And always broke. At night he would baracade the doors, one night he came running into our bedroom at 4 am to say that he was in the garage and someone was tapping on the garage window trying to "$%# with him". He would tell me during the day that cars were following him, people were taking pictures of him on their cell phones, ridiculous things. I left him watching our children while I went to school one morning, and when I returned the ENTIRE house was trashed, my youngest had a sagging sopping wet diaper, they had barely been fed...and he was just laying on the couch texting on his cell phone. Thats when I lost it. I gave him a piece of my mind, dressed the kids, and went to leave for the day after cleaning the whole house. He came outside and starting screaming HELP HELP she is taking my children! and in a fit of anger threw the car seat across our front yard. When I left I was so upset...I called my mum and she recommended I have him committed to a mental hospital when I told her what was going on. So I came back, gave him the ultimatum, and he agreed to go. But, while he was there...I found out all sorts of things. First, when we were seperated, he was shooting up opiates, robbing houses, and sleeping with whores. Second, he had been addicted to opiates the entire time we were together, I had no idea. Third, he had already lost his job, for attendance, even though he was still pretending to go work his shifts. Fourth, none of the bills had been paid and the landlord was about to evict us. GREAT. Oh and Fifth, he was now addicted to amphetamine, thanks to awesome psychiatrist who got him hooked on the adderall which he abused profusely. Well, two days after being released from a 5 day stay (and refusing the doctors recommended 30 day rehab that was supposed to follow), he relapsed. He took his car keys which I had put up and disappeared. I soon found out he was doing METH now. It got so bad...he robbed his dads house while they went out of town. He cleared our own house out of anything and everything valuable. He lied to me, stole money from me, and stood his kids up on three occasions that he was supposed to visit them at the Mcdonalds. I still have no idea where he was sleeping or what exactly he was doing...other than pawning whatever he could find and doing meth... His dad came back in town, took the car back (it was his car anyway), and he hit rock bottom...so I thought... He apologized profusely but it didnt seem real at all. He slept for days. Then he just seemed angry. And still does. It has been about a week off the meth for him now. He refuses rehab, and has been very abusive to me and the kids. He is also still very paranoid. He states that our oldest child is "not his" and neither is this baby on the way (due in a month). Because he refuses to get help of any kind, and because of the things he has done, I wont let him stay in the house with us. Just a few days ago he told my oldest he was going to break his legs off...He is not stable, and I am keeping him away for the sake of our mental health. Also, my parents are now paying the bills. He hasnt paid a bill here in 78 days. Now, I will say that while he is off the meth, I have more than enough reason to believe he is doing other things...namely, his mothers pills, which are varied and many (she is a three time felon, for what its worth, lost custody of her kids, had a meth lab in the home back in 2000, charged with child endangerment in 2004, etc). I have put my foot down with him and told him he needs to get help or I dont think I can continue this marriage. He refuses, saying that I simply want another man here. That its not "worth it" if he goes in and then I run off with another man. He just recently found out about the fling I had when we were seperated, (much like I have just found out about all sorts of things!) and feels that I have "betrayed" him. I find it very, very irrational. He keeps calling, and calling, and raging, and raging, and it is just so hard right now to not buy into his game. Honestly, he doesnt want help, and I know that. I also know that he has a lot of mental problems. I believe he has Antisocial Personality Disorder, as defined in the DSM ( I am a psych major and just took a diagnostic/abnormal class). I am depressed, and am grieving. I just want to hear someone elses thoughts on this situation and some tips on moving forward from here. Thanks so much in advance, I know this has been like a book to read. Felt it was all important though. THANKS!