Thanks for the post and welcome to SR! I can definitely relate to a lot of what you are saying. It can definitely be frustrating why we do the same things over and over. My behavior was pretty radical. I did the same things over and over (drinking) and expected different results (something other than the depression and anxiety).
Turns out the two played off each other. Doesn't matter which one came first, but nothing was gonna change until I put a plug in the jug, stopped the drugs, and started putting some effort into getting better.
I bet a lot of folks here can relate to what you are experiencing. My question is, have you had enough? And what's your plan to change things?