So it's been about three weeks since she's tried to contact me.
I got a card from her in the mail last week for my birthday. I'll confess I felt really triggered as soon as I got the card, before I even figured out who it was from. My brain told me it was from XABF's sister or mother (who haven't tried to contact me in a year), until I finally figured out that no, the return address was hers.
I had my boyfriend open it and read it first, then let me know if I wanted to read it. He said it was okay and handed it back to me, and there was a short message about how she hopes I'm doing okay working through whatever it is I'm working through and that she misses me. It was short and while I did catch a little sense of "I didn't do anything wrong, so this issue is on your end, stop taking it out on me" it wasn't as bad as she's been.
My blocker program also recorded that she tried to call the morning of my birthday, but when it blocked her she didn't call back.
She is a nice person, I don't dislike her or anything... I just can't take that behavior from anyone, it upsets me too much, and while a part of me wants to open up the friendship with her again since she's started acting like the person I thought she was again... Well, another part of me (plus my therapist, as well) is saying, "No good can come of this."
When I say "no" it's a personal affront against her, in her mind. When I set down a boundary I'm "shutting her out." And yet she wants to spend every waking moment with me, tries to insert herself into activities that I want to do by myself, and expects a dissertation when I tell her that I'd rather do this errand/class/volunteer experience/relax by myself.
And then of course there's her behavior after I put my foot down and said no more... I can't take the repeat dials with the long voicemails starting with "I'm sorry I'm calling you again so quickly but I got cut off and I'm not done talking..." I deleted the last two voicemails she sent me without listening to them. (The third was actually a friend from high school visiting my area over the weekend and would I like to meet up with her - but I was so shut down over the other two voicemail messages and so convinced that the third was from her as well that I didn't get the message I got up enough courage to deal with things until the weekend after.)
It's a shame.
Not really looking for advice or resolve, although you can certainly post your opinions. Mainly I just needed to put all this into writing so that I can "get it out there."
A part of me feels like I'm a terrible person for not calling her back, for walking away, but I need to remember that the relationship was unhealthy and getting worse and that's why I walked away in the first place.
I think if I rekindle it now, even if she's "better" now, a part of me is still always going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop and for her to go off the deep end because I had the audacity to only want to go to dinner with her because I want to do Christmas shopping and my laundry in the morning and would rather do it if she and her daughter aren't there.
I guess I just needed to put it in writing so I can come back and read it later.