Cynical One stated something that we (on the other side of this) really don't get. My ex husband told me that the biggest rush was the "bell ringer". That was when he would hear bells in his head ...probably due to the increase in blood pressure.... but, anyway....he said the goal was to get as high as you could get without dying. And yes, the waking up the next day was the thrill as well. He told me he didn't care about whether he died or not when he used. Addiction does not make sense. It can't. That's addiction and it creates insanity. Guess what? My ex was my bell ringer. He was my getting as close to death as possible and seeing if I survived. That is what living with someone in addiction is....
One thing that I realized that the depth of my "love" for him, my commitment to someone that sick, my tolerance for his choices/actions spoke more about me than it did about him. It was all well and good for me to judge him and the depth of his sickness...but what did it say about me that in my sober mind I chose him to be my partner? I had to get real and stop focusing on how sick he was and what he needed to do to get better. My finger that was pointing at him had 3 pointing right back at me.
I figured that someone that was that "in love" with someone that sick had to be pretty sick herself. I was right....I was REALLY really REALLY sick and in desparate need of help and recovery. When I got it that my life lesson at the time was to recognize the sickness in my own soul I started taking the steps that I needed for me. It has been taking me years to dig out of that sickness...and I'm still at it. But he is no longer in my life and I am learning each day more and more about what is emotional sobriety.
I'm only sharing my personal story...I'm not trying to do anything more than to say I understand and I've been there. I've read every book on addiction that there is. I've taken graduate level courses to understand it. What I've learned is that knowing that someone is behaving in an addictive manner (whether with drugs, video games, sex, whatever) is not a system I want to participate in. I will wish them well but that's it. Addiction is what it is....and recovery won't occur until that person decides on their own that it is worth it to them and that they will do whatever it takes to get it. On "their side" or ours....it's all the same. How in the world can we begin to ask another person to do what we aren't willing to do for ourselves?
I'm glad that you've found our site. There are many of us here that are where you are now or have been where you are. This journey has many along the road that will reach out their hands to you as you work to find your way. You are not alone.....