I have been on methadone maintenance for about 10 years now....I was taking 25-35 Vicodin or percocet a day (Originally Rx'd for severe back pain).Ummmm due to horrible obsession with pain meds as well as obsessive drug seeking behavior that was leading to an ever downward spiral in my life (And my children's) I decided to seek help at the local methadone clinic.(Looking back I realize that THAT decision was because I was not READY to quit)They started me on 40 mg's once daily, Gradually I went higher finally topping off at 120 mg's a day which was much to high, I slept most of the day. My best friend T started titrating off her dose and did very well. I started titrating to..very slow titration 5 mg's every three months and was very successful not one dirty U.A ever.I stayed at the clinic until I reached the halfway point (60 mg's), and switched to my Dr.whereupon I got down to 30 mg's with little problems or issues.
My Dr abruptly moved to California and his replacement did not have a high regard for MMT (That seems universal in younger physicians in my experience)
Since the plan was to be off by the first of 2013 anyway, I terminated my relationship with the new Dr. I then began my own titration schedule (After much research) as follows....20 mg a day for 10 days, then 10 mg a day for a month, then 5 mg for two weeks, then 0.
Aside from some mild chills, slight fever and leg and joint pain, very mild withdrawal symptoms..I really thought I was getting off lucky and was very grateful.
I still AM grateful, I have a wonderful boyfriend who is very supportive and asks nothing of me these last few weeks other than what I can give. He has been the one constant thing in my life that I can hold onto when the depression hits, I couldn't ask for a better partner and helper on this rocky road. (He came home one night after 6 day's or so at 0 mg's, looked around at the dishes piled in the sink, the laundry piled up and me in my bathrobe, not showered and looking like crap.After slowly surveying the house he came to me and said "Hi baby, How are you feeling? The fact that I know he WANTED to say something and DIDN'T said even more to me about his character.)
Last dose on the 23rd of Oct 2012 and MOST of the physical symptoms have abated..However there is a horrible sensation of feeling hollow, all of my energy and gumption seem to be gone...I get tired at the least provocation, short of breath at the least exertion, Like there are lead weight's tied to my feet and I am just plodding through my day.
At the advice of my best friend I have been TRYING to increase my activity level in an effort to increase endorphin production and I am having very limited success. I tried to anticipate this and have been on mega vitamin supplements as well as amino acid supplements (L-Tyrosine mostly as I know that a lack of that one can cause depression) however it seems to be having limited effect.
Quite honestly I would rather have the physical symptoms rather than this total lethargy. I feel like I am not doing my share. We have quite a few important things that we HAVE TO get done and It is a totally draining effort just to make dinner, let alone start packing up to move.It is not fair of me to leave all this to Ian (My BF), even though he hasn't said a single word to me about anything I can't get done, all the while being sure to notice and comment on what I DID do.We live on his Grandparent's property and they have been unfailingly understanding and optimistic. I have many wonderful people in my life as well as a new grandson. My daughter desperately needs my help as she is overwhelmed (New mother, job, keeping house,care giving to her elderly grandpa) And I feel like I am letting HER down to, just when she needs me the most, although she too has been patient and understanding to the highest degree.
Their kind and patient hearts make me ashamed of my own.
Does anyone have any suggestions?Advice? I DO NOT want to go back on MMT, that would negate the last three weeks of hell just to have to do it all over again (Which in all honestly is all that is keeping me from going back)
I was worried that I might not be the same person that he fell in love with, thankfully that does not seem to be the case.
How long until I feel my old self again? I know it varies.
I have much to be thankful for and I try to keep that in the forefront of my mind as I am sure there are plenty of people out there without the wonderful and supportive people that I have in my life.
I just want to be able to function again.
Thank you for reading I know this is a rather long and rambling post.
Constructive criticism, options, suggestions anyone?
Thank you.
