The proverbial frog in the slowly heating pan of water was me. And then in April, my AH had a seizure in our bedroom one afternoon after complaining of feeling like he had the flu. I had talked to his Dr. a year prior to that, trying to figure out what was wrong (he's punching holes in the wall, up all night, angry about everything, always stressed about work, doesn't shower or shave, etc). I had finally talked my AH into going to a marriage therapist who also specialized in ADD (thinking maybe his inability to cope with work and life was ADD) but he failed to show up once and was late the second of 3 times (one time saying he had to "fix" his iPhone for two hours at the office so he couldn't make it) and now he says that therapy "didn't work" and he'll never go back.
Anyway, it turned out he was a closet drinker fast approaching the final stage of alcoholism.
Are we twins? This is basically how my realization that my AH was a closet drinker went. He drank secretly for years without me knowing. We drank some at home, so I knew about that, but it didn't explain being passed out all the time, the mood swings, the inability to handle the business of adult life, etc etc. I thought he was depressed, and I scrambled for answers. After all, I have experience with depression and know how the process goes! Nothing worked.
I have no real answers, I'm figuring it out myself. Here's what I know:
If you suspect alcohol abuse when he is with the kids, either at pick up or drop off, call the police. He will either run and you have your answer, or they will breathalize him and you will have your answer. You don't have to send kids on a visitation if you reasonably believe he's been drinking. This is directly from my lawyer.
Clauses you can put in your custody and visitation agreement: no driving, supervised/unsupervised visitation, garnished wages for child support (this is pretty standard now), no drinking within 8-24 hours of seeing the children. Honestly, anything can go in your agreement if he will consent to it. A good starting point is to look up your state visitation guidelines, print them out, and see what you can and can't live with. Talk with a lawyer to see what they think is reasonable in your area. Are you a "chess player" when it comes to people? I hate being strategic with people, but I'm pretty good at it. This is a good time to think strategically for the long term well-being of your kids.
I still have a hard time identifying alcohol on a person. Hairspray, toothpaste, chewing gum, and deodorant all smell like alcoholism to me. I realized recently that they trigger my codie radar because these were what he used to cover up the smell of vodka. My flags are up all the time because these are products people use every day. That's my baggage. What I also know, however, is that when I know he's drinking, I KNOW IT, and I can't listen to his denials or argue with him about it. I just have to do what I have to do.
Peace to you. This is not what any of us wanted for ourselves or our kids. Just do the next right thing.