Thank you for taking the time to share your story. You have had a very abrupt awakening! I'm glad you are here.
I have been divorced twice from alcoholic men. (Too young and naive to know alcohol was the problem the first time). I have children from both marriages.
This is what has worked for me:
I followed the standard outlines of my state for custody and visitation schedules. I am the primary custodial parent.
There is a clause in my most recent divorce that says my ex can not have alcohol around our child. But it would be up to me to enforce that rule. It is there if I feel the need.
I do not force the ex to keep up his visitation schedule. He lets me know when it is a *good* weekend for him to have the children. Believe me ~ if he doesn't want to spend time with them because there is an alcohol related activity that sounds more fun, I gladly spend more time with my children!
I don't use a lack of child support payments as a reason to deny visits. Both ex's have had hardship that prevented child support payments at some point in time. Child support is not an admission price for visitation.
I do not share adult drama with my children. I allow them to love their dad just as he is.
I do discuss alcoholism and give my children the facts, according to their age and ability to process the info.
Bottom line on visitation with an addict: it usually doesn't happen that often.
My ex does not know how to parent on his own, it makes him uncomfortable.