BtheChange

I am so thankful for SR. I found this site while my AH was in a 30 day treatment center. After getting my three little ones tucked into bed, I would curl up in my own bed with my phone and scour the internet for some kind of success stories regarding marriages that survived alcoholism. I knew of a woman in Al-anon who remained married to her AH and one lovely woman who has 4 children and whose husband went to rehab multiple times and she was still married.

While I couldn't find much on line for success stories, I did find this forum and I am SO THANKFUL for it.

So many of the posts read like pages out of my life story. The proverbial frog in the slowly heating pan of water was me. And then in April, my AH had a seizure in our bedroom one afternoon after complaining of feeling like he had the flu. I had talked to his Dr. a year prior to that, trying to figure out what was wrong (he's punching holes in the wall, up all night, angry about everything, always stressed about work, doesn't shower or shave, etc). I had finally talked my AH into going to a marriage therapist who also specialized in ADD (thinking maybe his inability to cope with work and life was ADD) but he failed to show up once and was late the second of 3 times (one time saying he had to "fix" his iPhone for two hours at the office so he couldn't make it) and now he says that therapy "didn't work" and he'll never go back.

Anyway, it turned out he was a closet drinker fast approaching the final stage of alcoholism. After the ambulance took him to the hospital, he told the ER Docs that his last drink was 2 weeks prior at a neighborhood party (that was the last time I had seen him drinking so I agreed). He was so used to lying and manipulating that he lied to them too, and we spent over $15,000 (his individual insurance deductible) on every test imaginable while he showed every sign of withdrawal (vomiting, headache, hallucinations, ripping out his IV repeatedly in an attempt to leave--once it was taped down so well he bit through it...). Every doctor and nurse that walked in the door heard from me about how his behavior has been so strange and NOT A SINGLE ONE of those "medical professionals" ever mentioned withdrawal. Finally, at the one week follow up visit after his hospital stay, his primary care Doc told us it was alcoholism. And then the veil fell from my eyes and everything started to make sense. He admitted that he drank vodka and chased it with Gatorade after work. I then found vodka stashed all over the garage and in his incredibly messy car and office. For a week I had to follow him around for with tranquilizers and drive him to and from work. Relapse, interventions, detox and rehab stays followed.

My AH is at an AA meeting right now, although he is still so angry, blaming, irrational, and unwilling to talk about anything that I don't consider him in "recovery". He's still secretive, dishonest, and blames me. His latest line was,"You keep bothering me so much about everything I've thought about cheating on you just to really give you something to complain about"!! Luckily I've become detached enough to just shake my head and walk away. I have since been able to understand that as passive-aggressive behavior, something that he really struggles with but has not admitted to himself.

Anyway, I have found incredible wisdom and strength through the words and experiences shared on this site. I cannot thank you all enough. I read how many of you were like me; how my life came to resemble a Greek tragedy where the most loving thing I could do for my AH was to leave him alone, to let him have the dignity of suffering the pain of his choices. It seems like a contradiction but it is the messy truth of life. For my situation, to love is to walk away. I cannot simultaneously provide a warm, nourishing home for my children and NOT enable my husband. By enabling him, the disease progresses. For awhile I thought that with abstinence, the anger and blame would go away. I thought we might have a few honest and open discussions. I have read that if I change, through years of Alanon, that he might change as well. After all the unkind things he's said, "might change" just isn't enough of a payoff for me to wager those precious years.

I no longer seek out marriage success stories. I've learned, mainly from this site, that while alcoholics are the same in many ways, they are also very different. Mine is angry and blaming: not something I can live with, not something I am willing to enable whether he is abstinent or not. As I work on building a new life out of the ashes, I feel more energized and more confident, although I still mourn the loss of the man who was my friend & companion and the two-parent home for our children. I know I will miss my AH's intelligence and sense of humor, but not enough that I am willing to sacrifice a peaceful home. I am lucky to have the support of friends and family. And SR.

Still, the question of how to proceed with my children and co-parenting with an A weighs on my mind. Are any of you struggling with that or finding ways to cope? For example, since I never know if he is sober or not, there is no way I will strap our 3 kids into his car and wave goodbye. How do I keep that from happening, since they are his kids too. Breathalyzer test? And who's to say he won't drink while they are out somewhere? My attorney says that usually what happens is that one of the older kids will report that their AP has been drinking and then visitation is restricted. But I couldn't tell when my AH was drinking, how can I expect my 8 year old to--and why is that an OK position for him to be in?!? Right now, I am aiming for having the children live with me full-time, and he gets supervised visitation and no driving. Does that sound realistic? Who could ask a mother to hand her children over to a lying, closet drinker who is in the late stage of alcoholism? Despite all the rehab he is deeply in denial. I know he loves his kids, but I don't trust him to make good decisions any more, whatsoever.