Originally Posted by Thumper

1) I didn't want to give up. If he would only go away, I could get what I wanted (needed really) without taking ownership or responsibility for any of it. I wanted him to either change or leave but either way - I was making him responsible for fixing my life. It just doesn't work like that. I was giving away all my personal power, which made me feel very very stuck.

2) I did not give myself permission to leave or break up a family unit. I was very invested in the thought that the best and only option *for my family* was to stay married. I confused myself by claiming choice and power for people to do what is best for them etc. etc. but I was not giving myself that choice. It created a great deal of confusion because I was tricking myself into thinking I was making a choice to stay when I wasn't really.

This created one life in my head based on denial, and one in reality and that snowballed. I became very disconnected from myself. Very flat emotionally with everyone, very depressed, the bitterness and resentment became debilitating and resulted in all kinds of chronic stress related physical symptoms as well as compromised my parenting. I lacked flexibility, patience, gentleness, and joy. Stress leaked out in everything I did and in hindsight I can see that living like that was not doing my kids any favors.