To sameasmeagain and anyone else here in the same boat. Oh right- we are all in the same boat. Here is a silly metaphor I made up.
The boat we are on is like a rescue boat in recovery and some of us are swimming for it still to get away from the crumbling wreckage. To the one that will carry us to shore. Far from the sinking titanic ship that was or is our life. Far from the stormy waters that keep us constantly in fear. We helped build that ship so it is hard to watch it sink with the one we love going down with it. But in the wake of every sinking ship- if you are near- you will get sucked down. To heal we must get on that rescue boat with others who understand and help encourage us to save ourselves. This can take a lot of time to see this reality and we may jump back in and go try to save our addicted loved one as they grasp tightly to the sinking ship. They identify so much with it that there is no separation. They do not even know the ship is sinking and even if they are aware they may feel it is too late. It is not until their higher power speaks to them and/or that you lead by example that they may indeed wake up and want to change. You cannot jump back on board or it will only sink faster. You cannot carry them to safety because they will drown you. You cannot do it by force or sheer will. Every attempt we make to save them and neglect ourselves is futile with short lived successes and damaging repercussions.
It is delusional to think we can be the master of someone else's fate. That is the delusion I have been trying to free myself from. I too have attempted so many times to help him see the light and good on him as he has been off of heroin for a long time now. And even so, I still will not consider a relationship with him. Life is on my terms and in the hands of my higher power and not under the control of a recovering addict. Bless his heart as he wants more than anything to make this work which pulls on my lonely heart strings at times.
In all reality though, we don't know what others need. We have to figure out what we need. And what I need is to work the steps and feel a sense of serenity and real love for myself. I am on step 3 which means I have 9 to go. Which means a relationship is not in my foresight. Not with him and not with anyone else. I have not always been honest about this with him or with myself or with others. My relationship right now has to be to my higher power until I reach shore. Until that inner trembling wrought with fear and distrust is lifted, I seek refuge in the hands of my higher power.
I have not heard one single success story in the thousands I have read on this forum of a happy ending where someone runs back into the arms of an active or newly recovering addict. The best we can do with an addict partner is go in cycles of an up and down relationship for years that will eventually wear on both partners and others involved- kids will most definitely and inevitably be affected and then the cycle may continue with them. It is an option to go back but not an option for me. It is for no one to judge what you decide.
By some act of grace or a miracle, in 5 or 10 years of working a serious recovery program with evidence of change that comes through actions and not through manipulative pretty words I might consider having a relationship again (and I have heard some of the most beautiful poetic romantic charming words that would bring most to their knees from my ex). But now I set my standards so high for him as to not fool myself that this is the life I want.
I am not a gambling person, but if I were, I would say that it is not a good bet to wait for them to change as we go spiritually bankrupt and forget the lives that are right in front of us. If anyone has a happy ending to their story please share as I would love to hear if anyone on this forum has happily reunited with an active or recovering addict and if so, how they did it. I think it would be good for everyone to see if it is at all possible.
Many blessings... B&B