I am 18 months into what you are going through right now - and I can promise you that you will make it through. There were times that the pain became so intense that even taking him back "as is" temporarily felt like an option. I'm grateful that I have stayed the course and moved on.
Yes....this is hard and so incredibly painful, sad, pointless, heartbreaking, senseless, hurtful, devastating, and beyond description. There are many here that have walked in your shoes and so willing to provide support to you (and all of us that struggle through this) as you make your way through.
Many people reassured me along the way.....so many talked about how much happier they were "now" and I longed for the day that I would say the same sort of thing. Today, I am grateful for the serenity that now envelops my life. The pain resurfaces from time to time but I have enough recovery to talk myself down when that does happen.
The word "breathe" really helped me. And knowing that this too shall pass....hang in there. Sending you lots of prayers and hugs.