I can't breathe. It feels like I'm being crushed with devastation. I can't stop crying. I guess I finally came to terms with the fact that my marriage is over. That it's never really been a marriage. I just wanted to hold on to that last thread. Even though Ive been so cold and angry towards him I still wanted to hope.
I don't know what happened. I've had a pretty bad day. I didn't sleep much last night. I flew all afternoon. I lost money twice today. Or it was stolen one of those times....I don't know. Then I get to my hotel room and it's just like the suite we stayed in on our honeymoon. I wondered if it was a sign or something. It's not.
It just reminds me of how hopeful I was about beginning our lives together. And then the memories slap me in the face. Because at this time three years ago, days before I delivered our youngest child, I woke up to his phone alerting about a text. I read it and was devastated. How could he do this!? Why couldn't he just be happy with me? Why did he have to have other women. Why was he so sweet to them? Why did he let drugs ruin our lives?
I'd rather be angry than feel this pain. Maybe it's because I'm here alone and my mind just can't keep ignoring the cruel reality that my dream is over. It never even existed.
I'm sorry to bring this here but it's not like I can post this on FB. I miss my sons. I wish they were here. I hope I get through this soon.
