Coming into this a little late. Your posts so resonate with me. The mind games, keeping us off balance so they have the control/power. It being all about them and their needs, while our needs/feelings are either ignore, diminished or dismissed.
Same thing here. My RA sober over two years. Actions ego based, I'd say unequivocally. Maybe it's the only way they can feel like they're in control. Seriously, I sometimes feel like we are on two different planets when we communicate (if you want to call it that). You feel like you are always fighting 'the war', and keep getting pushed down even lower after every battle.
I ask myself, is this worth it? Why do I stay? Yes, I love him (or who I perceive he is), as I'm sure you do. But love isn't enough when you're constantly feeling sad and angry...and for me it usually equates to feeling invisible, unloved, unbeautiful. Why do we do this to ourselves?? It's like we are prisoners, stuck, frozen and unable to help ourselves. But we both know better. We have to do what's right for US. As we know, A's or not, people will do what they want, no matter what you say or do. We can't control this outcome, even though we keep tryin, thinkin if they could see we are truly in their corner, truly there every step of the way, they might just once give us a little more...crumbs, in reality.
You say your RA is big in helping others, a nice all around guy...mine too. He feeds on all of that. And then there's our R...and it's at the bottom of the pile. He doesn't see it that way. No talking about it, what's wrong with me?? Yours probably the same way. It just makes me do my usual jump up and down in the corner routine, hoping he'll see me. Damn. Why do we do these things to ourselves?
We might as well be cutters. Hurt less.
My best to you. I'm right there with you, goin through your same pain.
Hugs.