Originally Posted by
Mrshat 
Free at last
Thank you so much. I am in so much pain right now. I have again sent my h away after only being home a few days. All the usual promises and so sorry. I love him so much and he is one of the kindest men I have ever met who put me on his pedestal. But also knocked me off it and kicked me to the ground. The constant violent outbursts which as he explained are my fault have finished me off. I do feel I am one of the nicest people i know with many close friends ( he does not have a single one) but have turned into a jibbering angry nervous wreck. The fact I seek help on here he turns against me and says I read to much and make it up in my mind. The final straw for me has been my teenage son who I have seen the last few weeks die inside. He is worried sick for his dad but also worried sick for me. This has made my decision easier for me. I have to put my children first. I can choose. But I am so sad and lonely and have lost my soul mate. We each don't have other family but I am so lucky to have my wonderful friends and my children so I will learn to cope somehow I hope. I just have to stay strong and not take him back.
**{hugs}}}
He has made the promises and his recovery is his to work through, but having him out of a codependant environment will benefit you, him and your son. None of you will see it at first, be patient.
Having a child of course forces you to have some contact with him, when you are ready , give some thought to boundrys of that contact. A's are master manipulaters, know every button to push and have an uncanny sense of timing. Please try to get to a face to face meeting of alanon/alateen if you can, so many resources to help you stay strong, take care of yourself and your son.
Funny how they never have friends isn't it? Mine did not either although like your AH he is funny, warm, intelligent (sober of course). His thing was drunk dialing. Did this to a friend of mine from work and my sister in-law once. I was so horrified. He always asked me why we never hung out with people as a couple, REALLY?? The 2 days out of each month you happen to behave like a human being did not necessarily coincide with functions or friends being free. Eventually my friends stepped back and let me make my mistakes. I could never plan to go to a show or concert because you just never knew where he would be at in the cycle of his addiction when the day rolled around. I can make future plans now.
You have taken the first step, be kind to yourself, use the resources here on SR, the internet and Alanon . Having that dear son to focus on will help keep your spine straight too. Some days the pain will be acute, the tears many, and the confusion high but bit by bit it really gets better.
We are here for you , and we are many, we know the pain well,
Free