freeatlast1313

Mrshat,
We were not married , no kids so the last time he huffed off to the condo his parents still maintain for him (party pad) I simply loaded his crap in a van , drove it the 1 hour down and unloaded his stuff into his place while he sat loading vodka into his face watching me work and calling me every filthy name in the book. That was the easy part.
What got me to that point was a slow methodical loss of self. My friends saw it AGES before I did, I always made excuses for him ( I still had hope you see) . I began to recognise the cycles. Relapse, detox, honeymoon, lather , rinse, repeat. I loved him, still do but differently now because I realised not too long ago he was hopeless, even if i stopped being his codie his rich parents were right to the rescue . It was when began to behave out of character, anxious, insomniac, scared constantly, looking haggard I started to get the picture. All my friends and I had drifted save one angel of a 5 year recovering A who loves me and got my situation. I began to self medicate, Oh, hell no, his toxicity was rubbing off.
His parents sent him to rehab and he seemed to thrive, writing 2-3 positive and hopefull letters each day he was there, he this was truely his last chance with me and I meant it. I also noticed with him 800 miles away I was calmer, brighter in mood and back to my old self (hmmmm???) He came home and it was bliss, he was a changed man, healthier, determined, looked AMAZING, immediatly went to AA meetings. It lasted 3 DAYS!!!!!!! He ran to his condo because of I asked to use his EYE CREAM (true story for another time), went on a bender, broke mine and everyone who loves him's heart. I took him back a week later, that lasted 2 days.
Funny thing was it was a tiny little barb that I had heard him throw at me many times when he was drunk and verbally abusing me. While speaking on the phone he was doing the usual take me back , I will do blah, blah, blah. I began to cave as usual to his manipulation , I was literally mid-sentence telling him the latest of my "terms" and how I would take him back when he interruped me to tell me " you know I can have any woman I want" . At that moment my brain clicked hard into a different mode, I had a huge moment of clarity. I hung up instantly and began to laugh hysterically at the futility of it all, of the sick man whom I was dealing with and then cried that I allowed myself to be sucked down from strong, confident, woman who made pretty good choices to codie door mat of a sociopathic charmer. Painful as this was I blocked him in all communications and other than the last exchange have stayed nc. He is not giving up booze or his relentless persuit of me but I can't ever lose myself this way again. He will find another woman and will leave me be, i just have to be strong meantime.
Literally one day, sometimes one moment at a time is required to get through giving him up. I dont want to do anything or see anyone, I want to isolate---- but I dont. I make myself keep routines, go out with my friends, read SR and other sites, books that I feel are helpful or were recommended. I cry often BUT there is a weird void where the drama and dysfunction once was. As long as I stay busy, get out of my own head I am cool. The tough times are when I get bored then I force myself to read, walk, clean , anything really to just feel alive and functional.
Huge apology this is so long and rambling , feeling a bit ill today but I could read your pain and recognized it as my own. Read SR and post often, get to an Al Anon meeting if you can. You have to experience the pain, feel it and let it fade for any change to happen. I just lost my mother, father and 2 close friends to death in the past 4 years. If I can go on after those losses, well, you get the picture.



BIG HUGS
Free