I am very moved that so many of you were touched by what I wrote. It makes me feel less alone to know I have companions in this process of loss and grief. I am so sorry that anyone has to go through this, and I am with you all, as you have been with me.
This has been a dreadful week for me emotionally since I went to the Divorce Court a week ago Friday.
My AH sent me 2 e-mails which looked to be innocuous topics about minor house stuff. But tucked into each of them were emotional messages which messed with my head, big time. They appeared to be conciliatory, apologetic, rational. They confused me deeply, and I fell again into his orbit, trying to figure out what was happening with him, now.
He has decided that he has figured out the reason for all of his bad behavior, including the porn and the drinking and the anger. He said "I apologize."
Like an undertow in a storm, I got sucked back into the depth of the emotional pain I felt when I was with him, now compounded by the loss of leaving him. I couldn't get any clarity. I went into a deep depression. I got sick, a chronic sinus infection, and that kicked off a bad rheumatoid arthritis flare in my fingers, wrists and elbows that I couldn't get to abate. An X-ray confirmed that I have a heel spur and plantar fasiitis, caused by the old sneakers I wore to walk my dog which were too big since I have lost 25 pounds. So I couldn't do any real walking. And my foot hurt badly, too. And that made my hip joint hurt badly, too. I just felt stymied at every turn. I just couldn't get myself out of the emotional hole and back to some real perspective.
Yesterday evening, I called my son, and like a laser, he cut right through the verbiage my husband sent, and later, what my son saw was confirmed by someone else.
AH wrote extensively about what his issues were. He castigated the psychiatrist who had seen us together, saying in the first message that we had spent that time "on my issues with his issues instead of on what was causing his issues" which he should have had time alone on. In the second message, he said "I was a train wreck waiting to happen and he (the psychiatrist) missed it." (He didn't seem to realize that he walked out of therapy after he had raged against the doctor for trying to discuss his behavior).
AH was proud of himself for his introspection and insight. Originally, as I read it, so was I. However, the barbs in his message set themselves like hooks in my heart. My son got it. He said, this is pure manipulation. AH only talks about himself here. He lost you in the Court Hearing, and he wants you back. He is saying what he thinks will get you back. This manipulation is no different than what he's always done. It is not about you, it is about him. And that is who he is. He is blaming you, he is blaming the doctor, it is someone else's fault that he did what he did. And that is who he is.
That's right. It seems to have escaped AH that while he was a "train wreck waiting to happen", I was tied to those tracks as he barreled on through his destructive path. I was under those wheels, and he cut me to the quick, and this past week it seemed irreparable.
So last night, relieved, I went to bed early, went back to sleep this morning, and woke to the sun, my little dog playing, my Christmas gift paperwhites beginning to sprout in their flowerpots, and I feel much better. I am taking more medicine for the arthritis flare, taking care of it, and just hanging around by myself reading compelling mystery books that are so action driven that you just can't put them down. Eating good meals that I made and froze. Not doing anything at all that isn't lazy and comforting.
It helped to reread all the support you all wrote me here, and I think grammyb for bumping this post.
I think I'll come back to this thread and post more often; I sure need more help and comfort than I asked for last week.
ShootingStar1