Jim I am sorry you are struggling. We've all been there I assure you. If this sobriety thing was a walk in the park we wouldn't have so many people on this forum or people attending meetings after 10, 20 and even 30 and 40 years of sobriety.
I am going to an addictions therapist for the first time and I feel the sessions are very empowering. I know I have a mental defect that makes me crave alcohol once in a while. It helps me look at it that way. On US election night, when I heard smoking pot will be legal in certain states now, I felt this urge to vacation there. An urge for smoking pot after over 25 years of not doing that. I couldn't believe it.
Do you have access to addiction therapy? I know you need insurance for that in the US. If no insurance, find a mental health clinic with a sliding scale or a cheap therapist. I am finding that discussing my screwy thinking with a professional helps.
Take good care of you man.
Natalie