Darling,
I hope you can feel some love here. These people loved me when I could not love myself.
How many weeks have you been on your antidepressant? If it is 8 weeks and you are still thinking, feeling suicidal in my opinion you need a different medicine(s)
I smoke cigarettes. Many. Isn't that hurting myself to relieve anxiety and etc?
At one time, during months of grieving, I smoked as much as I could to hasten my end and my misery.
What worries me is your financial problems, you need a safe, secure and comfortable home. I have been "homeless" too ...and no amount of right thinking can change the problems of not having what you need to survive, leave alone be well. And safe transportation. These are tools we need to be well.
It is something I am still very afraid of. It could happen again soon. At least I always knew my daughter and I could share a home and scrape by with assistance programs.
Sharing the burdens lightens them.
Your friends do not know how to talk to you anymore. They do not understand your problems. That is why this site is so important to me. It is the one place I do not feel so shamed and alienated because of my illnesses. There is so much acceptance here. And we need that like we need food. Maybe more.
I am so sorry for your struggles and pains. There are no easy answers. I often have to tell myself....just for today I can do something that I would abhor doing for the rest of the year. And sometimes the just for today is making it through the day or doing the littlest thing that comes naturally and easily for others. Yes, like getting dressed. Stepping out of the house.
I am much much better with my meds and stabilized. I am not miserable or obsessive. But these "things" are still an effort. I keep hoping that if I practice, I can fake it 'til I make it. I believe that can happen gradually.
Do you know what I have done today? I put music in. And even that is unnatural, but it is a taking me outside of myself.
Yesterday was a very successful day. Went out with a friend all day, took a bus to a nearby popular city, walked alot, took a little taxi tour. These things are so wonderful, why do I have to FORCE myself to do things I truly love? It makes no sense.
I am more at home with my illness than wellness.
For instance, it would feel wonderful today to take a long hot shower because I am a little sore and achy from all the walking yesterday. Why don't I just go do it??
I just want you to know you are not alone in struggling with things we do not understand or want. And being overwhelmed by them.
Check out the group in Women In Recovery as well. I find those ladies to be miracles.
There is alot of everyday friendship there.
I need to do something real today. Put another brick in the wall. I hate to speak it because I am likely to fail, but what would be a super success today would be to spend an hour or two on my spanish lessons which I have completely neglected.
And a hot shower too would give me an A+
Little things. Such little things. It frustrates me too. I am intelligent, I expect so much more from myself, I know I have abilities.
But I think yesterday's success will make it easier for me to make some advances today.
So, really if I do those things today I will be doing it for tomorrow.
Like a stairs, taking one step.
But a success if I do not stand still.
Anything, it doesn't so much matter what, just do something to keep from freezing up in one place, because everything else will move forward without me and I will lose ground.
It is very hard to be satisfied with that. Any little thing, when I have greater expectations, but in my reality it is where I am.
Just one thing to make tomorrow easier, love. If you can come up with something like that, you build strength and love and your path becomes success-bound.
Shoot, if I soak my feet...that will be something. But today, I think I can be stronger than that. And I am delighted to say I am no longer starving myself, which I do when I am sick, my appetite is good. And I am enjoying eating. YEA!!!!!!
I hate looking like I just walked out of a concentration camp. I get self-consious, wear baggy clothes to hide myself (it doesn't work) and I don't want to be seen and that makes getting out harder.
Stay in touch. We are all in this together.
ps, just like I denied my need for food, i denied the need of sufficient monies.
But having enough not to be anxious for basics makes a world of difference.
It is good to be rich in love, but material security is important too.
I am still trying to establish that.
I like to read the Dalai Lama who reinforces that need as good and desirable and holy and loving.
The piece I return to time and again....when it is the only thing I can do in one day...if there is only one thing it is a good one...is the speech on living well. It is still in a post in Women In Recovery. Joy, Contentment and living well. Gives me strength in right thinking...and taking care of myself.
You are loved by me. I need you. I am less alone in the world because of you.
tena