Feeling guilty?
Okay so to recap my story a bit I started dating this guy about two years ago. We started off as friends, thing got intimate and then we sort of just fell into a relationship. I knew from the start that he was bad news, he had a record and an addition problem but he was clean, seemed determined to stay out of jail and on top of that he was sweet, romantic, compassionate, funny, sweet, easy to talk to and we had amazing chemistry.
As addicts often do he fell hard and he fell fast. I mean he threw out I love you VERY early on WAY before I was anywhere close to that point. But he really seemed to mean it, he was always doing things for me, taking me out to dinner, buying me flowers, taking me out for drinks, helping me out with bills, being a shoulder to cry on...etc. He'd write me these beautiful letters about how I was the best thing to happen to him, how I couldn't see how beautiful/wonderful I was ETC. And it was really nice to have someone treating you like you're gold or whatever.
I have an eating disorder which I first went into recovery for about 6 years ago but have been in and out of recovery since. When I was with him I got up to my highest weight but for the first time in my life I was able to feel okay about the number on the scale because I knew how beautiful he thought I was and how attracted he was to me. He helped my confidence quite a bit and made me feel worth something.
Prior to dating him I'd gone through a really bad break up & was getting myself into some pretty shady situations with some really horrible guys and was allowing myself to be used by just men who were the scum of the earth. But since dating him I've learned that I am more then that.
BUT then everything went downhill when he got arrested in April. I was mind blown. I believed him when he said he didn't do it even tho EVERY SINGLE thing told me I was wrong. And I didn't even consider the possibility that he was using until I posted here and even then I thought there was no possible way you all were right.
Well turns out you of course were all correct. He had been using for what I think was pretty much was the majority of the time we were together after I moved to a different city, but I think everything got out of control around April. He lied to me told me he didn't commit that crime, continued to lie about the drug use, he went through every text in my phone ,he called me a cold heartless b****, constantly turned things around on me, played me out of 100 dolallars that he didn't have for his "phone bill" because all of his money was going to cocaine.
He was arrested again in August after walking out of rehab and being charged with trying to rob someone on the street although that case hasn't gone anywhere bc they can't find the guy who accused him of the crime...he called me that night but I didn't go get him, I couldn't have anyway but he was obviously f***Ed the hell up off something when he was arrested.
Anyway I just went on WAY WAY longer then I meant to with background, it's just been a while since I posted so I wanted to catch everyone up...thing is I am trying to go NC but I feel really guilty. I kind of made it 3 weeks but sent a couple letters to tell him I was sick but he had no where to write me back so it was kind of like NC.
But I didn't have the phone I use to talk to him while I was staying with my parents while recovering from Mono so we hadn't spoken on the phone for a few weeks. And I don't really ever write him letters. Which he gets upset about
Part of me is like who the hell are you to expect anything from me. Like I shouldn't be talking to him AT ALL whatsoever after everything he did. But then another part of me is like well he's clean/sober now and he's the person I fell for, cos he's a completely different person when he's clean/sober and yet he's probably still a liar right? I mean he DID finally tell me that he committed that crime but it doesn't make up for all that other lies he told
Thing is I'm an alcoholic which really makes me the same an addict who hasn't found drugs yet or an addict whose drug of choice is alcohol. I've told lies and done some pretty bad things when I was black out drunk
But I don't really think I'm a bad person, I just think when I was drinking alcohol controlled me, and I think that's how drugs are for him so IDK I guess I just feel bad, I would NEVER EVER Get back with him. NEVER EVER. We are SO OVER
But I still feel an obligation to him? Like I should at least be there as his friend since he has no one else and is deep down a good person? Even after everything he did, I feel like a lot of it was because of drugs.
I know you all are going to say he is playing me out or whatever but this honestly isn't him, it's me that feels this way. BC even when he had no influence over me , since we weren't talking, I still felt like I should at least write him and tell him what's up... like I'd miss him if we didn't talk I think cos I do enjoy talking to him, he makes me laugh you know ? And now that he's clean in jail he's more like he used to be before drugs took hold... and like I said I also sort of feel an obligation to be his friend.
Am I being completely stupid?
Also this is a lesser problem cos he won't even be out of jail for at least two years but part of me really want to hook up again? I mean the sex was amazing to be honest and it takes A LOT for me to be comfortable with someone and it would just be nice to have easy, satisfying sex with someone and he's the only person in my life currently who I could have that with. For me sex effects me in no way emotionally. I've hooked up with more people then I care to share and it hasn't affected my feelings toward them in any way.