Jess,
I can so relate to your post. Before I was alcoholic, I had anorexia. I was hospitalized 4 times and did 6 months at a residential treatment as well. Then all the sudden I was "cured" of my ED almost overnight. What happened? I stated drinking. I substituted drugs and alcohol for my obsession with food and my weight. It worked for a while and then I crashed and burned harder than ever.
I also deal with a very stubborn case of depression. I am not talking about a little blue day here and there either, I'm talking about wanting to DIE and feeling totally hopeless in sobriety and not in sobriety. We have many battles to fight. For some of us, only a total transformation of life as we know it and our thought patterns will suffice.
I'm so stubborn. I've relapsed again and again because I stopped attending meetings, stopped talking to people, stopped being of service to others, stopped caring. I let my head and my screwed up thinking become my reality. Sound like someone you know?
Try to learn that your thoughts are just that : they are thoughts. They are not a definite reality or a mantra to live by. Especially the negative stuff. That's your disease. This is a scary disease that wants to take you out. You must recognize its presence in your psyche and prepare yourself for it to keep insisting that you are worthless, hopeless, dumb, not worthy, etc.
But if you choose to let go of your sobriety the disease has won again. Don't let your head take you out there. You might never make it back. You might get drunk and continue to get sick until you physically can't care for yourself. It happened to me.
You are beautiful at any weight. You are more than your mistakes, more than your self-doubt, more than your pain. You are worthy of happiness and true peace. You don't have to be in pain. Keep going with your recovery. Stay in school and educate yourself and better your life because YOU ARE SMART and YOU DESERVE BETTER.
Also, with the eating stuff, what works for me (and I have bad food days to this day believe me) is moderate exercise, eating "clean" (avoiding processed food and too much sugar), and staying away from the scale and the mirror as needed.
I hope you know that you can beat this thing. It's all one big evil "monster" and it kills people.
I'll be praying for you and sending good vibes. Hugs