jess, heres what has happened to me and what i did:
i was on an emotional roller coaster when i got into AA. now, im have been told i am bi polar, but in early recoveyr it felt more like quad polar: some days i was feelin really good, some days i was down, some days i didnt know, and some days i didnt care!
i got a sponsor and started working the steps. there was a lot of writing involved. i had to get what was rattling around in my melon on paper so i could see it, own it, then get into the solution, which the steps were the solution.
heres what i know:
the 1,2,3 dance doesnt work too good. the 1,2,3,12 step dance doesnt work too good either. i have seen many people stay sober but be miserable doin that and have seen poeple get drunk again doin that.
what i have seen worf real good is doin the 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, repeat step dance.
rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.
At some of these we balked. We thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
please get a sponsor and work the steps thoroughly.