Welcome to SR....I feel for you. Admitting, that part is something that is very important.
For the longest time I constantly struggled with myself...do I ...don't I...It is an incredibly strong voice that will give you plenty of reasons to say...'have a drink'.
I'll bet you are scared at the moment..Wondering ' How did this happen'.
All I can say is Welcome...Lots and lots of good folks here with tons and tons of advice.In fact over the past year on being on SR I think I have read this same situation many times.
People do get through and get better. Take a deep breath. Read peoples posts here. You will see yourself in a great many of there struggles. You are not alone.
Jim