I am only 9 months clean from dope (and booze) so am far from being free, but something is definitely different this time. I struggled for over 6 years to get this far. I was using 2 grams of raw a day which is about 40 bags.
There is not one specific thing I can put my finger on, but mainly it was just being so f@cking sick of it all. I was sick of it for a while, but I had to be completely demoralized. Self worth, integrity, self esteem all zero. Blew through hundreds of thousands of dollars and just absolutely hating who I was. It was destroying my family. My wife and 3 young kids. I squeezed every last ounce of pleasure out of that junk and then some. Using was hard work. Probably been through withdrawals 20 times or more. I had been to treatment before. Been to hundreds of meetings and worked the steps. Lived in a halfway house for a while. Yes this drug is a b@itch.
Put myself back into an intensive outpatient program. Started seeing a counselor and got back to some meetings. My brain still tries to go there every now and again, but I am able to stop it in its tracks. Still very disgusted with myself, but am giving myself a break. I have been to hell and back so beating myself up is useless. The past is the past. Remember, but don't repeat. Happy to be alive today. Have some integrity, a good job, family life is getting better. Why *** up a good thing? I can't do just one or just use for a day. That is all it would take to send me back there because once I start I get that momentum that I was talking about going again and can't stop until I crash. Don't do what I have done. Get yourself together now. Life is too short!