I know, I know...oh how I know.
Let those waves wash over you, because they are washing you--cleansing your heart and soul, just like waves on the beach.
This too shall pass. You no doubt are inconsolable sometimes right now, and you may be very well going through the most painful thing in your life. Go ahead, give yourself permission to feel. I cried five days straight, didn't eat, didn't sleep, when my divorce was final. The mound of tissues was so huge I couldn't see the keyboard.
That you feel sometimes as if you lost everything to save yourself--it's too bad he threw away 20 years of reality for the detachment fantasy from reality of both porn and alcohol. He threw away himself. as well as you.
Live a life you can be proud of. Live a life where you are proud of yourself. Think about it...the alcoholic in denial never can, and should they ever come out of denial, they will have to face the destruction of themself as well as others.
One day, and don't even bother absorbing this until you are ready-but one day you will love the good memories, and not feel as deep a pain in doing so.
Yes, we have to choose ourselves. It's a tough choice, and it hurts horribly, but it's the only choice. I still struggle with this, divorced, and no contact. I still hold my own fantasy--that one day he will choose me over porn and alcohol. I'm still waiting.