Rsk, man that sucks to say the least and im sure hurts like hell. I learned that I could feel the pain of disappointments and broken dreams and then let it go, the pain and the hopes I could not see MY dreams realized. I just recently after 20 years of hoping and holding onto MY dreams that maybe one day they would come true, then i realized that maybe this is not Gods will for my life?! Maybe this was MY will hoping for a US that maybe one day we would live happy ever after! Step 3!!!!! I finally got it! I finally realized something about my behavior that I was not even aware of!
I realized I had turned my life over to the care of God as I understood him. But I forgot to turn MY will over too! I realized that even if my ex got clean and sober today it would be at least, at the very least one year before he could or would be even close to being ready or able to have a healthy relationship and that's with him working a program! I had to reevaluate my thinking and perspective. What was Gods will for me? I knew it was not being in a relationship with active addiction. I knew it was to be a loving person. And I came to realize after all this that my focus should be on one thing and one thing only when it comes to my ex. Prayers for his recovery! That's it! It was so unbelievably freeing when I finally got it. When my heart and mind finally lined up! My happiness comes frome within, and im realizing that happiness source is endless with being in and doing Gods will for my life! I can't believe it took 20 years for me to learn how to let go! I don't know what the future holds I can't worry or concern myself with today! And keep the focus on me and Gods will for my life and the power to carry that out!
I know your heart is heavy and I bet you want to at minimum choke him out, but if that is not Gods will for you then???? I know you were just venting and for me it is good to vent because it helps me process exactaly what im feeling cause sometimes I don't know! Sometimes I have several feelings/emotions going on inside. Its a process and I know today I don't have to hold onto feelings! I can feel what im feeling and let it go!
Do you attend or have you aattended Al anon? I highly recommend if not, it is and has changed my life!
Prayers sweetie for hope for a tomorrow that is a better brighter happier day for you!