Originally Posted by
KKE 
Deep down, despite knowing this is wrong and I'm just going round in circles, I want him to come home and I am scared he means it this time and it really is done. Ridiculous and so needy. Feel so emotionally reliant on him. In the end I had resigned myself to the fact that he would regularly do runners and come back but so long as I knew he was coming back. It seemed ok and I could function. What with him taking his stuff it just leaves me feeling insecure whereas before I had found some security and found my place in the chaos. Like I knew the drill. If that makes sense?
Oh dear, I know that feeling! It's all so
confusing... I'd only recently realized how much I had slowly but surely changed my perfectly normal reactions to emotional abuse -- adapted myself to accept very unacceptable behavior.
All the ol' AA adages say alcoholism is a progressive disease, and it is a family disease too. It's so true I got sick right along with him. And the fact that I'm still struggling with missing and loving a man who did (and still does) unthinkably cruel things to me is pretty clear evidence of that!
I'm working on getting myself back to who I was 5 years ago. Not easy at all, especially when, like you, I feel so needy and ridiculous these days! But just look at what we've been through...