Thank you again everyone for your words of encouragement and support. I just spoke on the phone with my aunt for almost 2 hours. She is in recovery and had a lot of good things to say. She, along with you guys, helped me pull out from the self loathing a little. I am still upset that I blew 45 days of sobriety
BUT I really did learn from this. Prior to this happening, I fantasized a lot about drinking again one day. In my mind I planned a relapse during Christmas when I will be visiting my grandparents (my grandmother and I would always drink wine together). I figured that would be a good time because I would have 90 days sober and would be able to re-evaluate if I could drink. Which is just ridiculous addict thinking. I can't drink at all. Not ever. Unless I want to stay an active alcoholic that is. And I really don't. So, I am putting my fantasies to rest. I believe now beyond any doubt that I am powerless over alcohol.